The Right...

Oh sweet serenity...I opened my email yesterday morning to find the Barnes & Noble Best of 2012 list. Even though I am completely lacking in any sort of Type A personality trait, I have a deep love for lists. "Best of" lists are just pure bliss. In addition to providing what seems to be endless choices for reading, in this case, the lists themselves signal that I have survived another holiday season. It's time for New Year's Day, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Easter, Memorial Day & SUMMER! That's also a list I can appreciate.

I attribute conquering Christmas this year to rekindling my love of & actually READING. Books, articles, series, novels, non-fiction....OH! More lists! I see my love of best-of lists as the anecdote to my procrastination. I never seem to start or continue things because I don't have the "right" something. I may not blog because I don't have the right photo to go along with it (note lack of photo today...I'm going for it anyway), I don't write because I haven't decided on the right topic, I don't run or work-out because I don't have the right outfit or the right sneakers (or, really, anything matching & clean) which then brings me to not having everything put away in the right place or the house decorated in the right way. The best-of list sets up the right stuff for me & I can just START.

Once I start, everything kind of falls into a better place. Something is better than nothing. The next trick that came up this year is then, balancing something with "More is even better". Because soon I am right where I was before, stuck NOT doing because I don't know where to start the more. So my something this year was reading again & letting everyone know what I was reading & allowing myself to follow the motivation provided by the books I read. Seabiscuit was a motivator to continue to be loyal to all of the crazy-ass dreams I have & realize that achieving them takes time. (Grieving parents in that book...we're everywhere). Happiness Project made me just go for it when it comes to blogging & writing. I need to re-read this one because I am faltering in the land of perfection again. It doesn't have to be perfect. Something is better than nothing. I'm starting to re-organize the "More is better".

The last of my top 3 books read this year is Now You See It. Wow! I read the first few chapters & started taking notes. I was telling everyone about the book & my thoughts on its content. But then, I got STUCK. I couldn't blog because I wanted to blog about work & I am just not comfortable doing that. I love & need my gainful employment. I need not rock the boat...but I REALLY need to rock the boat. Perhaps I am just not ready to rock it through blog. Oooohhhhh Nnnooooo - I'm getting stuck...So instead, I forwarded to book to our building principal as a reading recommendation. And BOY did I take notes. My notes were mostly notes to myself about what I wanted to write about, what I wanted to change in the classroom (started implementing that right away, no hesitation in doing more for our students, I can just jump into that - hmmm, I ponder) & the best notes were little ones to the author. For example - "OMG. I love you! Exactly! Thank YOU! Finally!".

So here I am, enjoying the Best Of lists that are filling my news feed & email inbox. I'm hoping that these lists & the reading that I continue to pursue, will allow me to make some more strides in achieving my long list of goals this coming year. I am proud to report that I definitely did something this past year. I want to do more. Scratch that. I want to START more. That's where I'm stuck. So here's to 2013...a year where something is better than nothing & more is just enough.

Guilt, Broke, Dark

Don't think for a moment that I don't spend time each day thinking about what I want to blog. Here's my latest conclusion that has been rolling around my scattered brain these past few weeks. Julia Roberts got to play the leading role in "Eat, Pray, Love". I, live the story of "Guilt, Broke, Dark". These are the 3 main...let's call them feelings...that make me shy away from the world.

I absolutely dread daylight savings. I try with all my might to fight, fight, fight against the darkness. It is just so darned HARD for me to function well in the dark. I enjoy the dawn, the sun & all that comes with warm, sunny days. Thunderstorms, sitting outside, playing outside, walking & the light makes me come alive.

I can give myself a little credit here. I am doing much much better this year than last. I am pretty sure that I just gave up the fight pretty early last year. I was falling asleep each night because I was stopping when the sun went down. That meant a string of many unproductive days. I still have a gazillion undone items on my to-do list, but before landing this evening - did bath, pjs, load of dishes, actually cooked Cal dinner & had a hilarious text conversation with friends. Throw in making a good mess with Play-doh & I'm feeling a little less guilty.

OH the guilt! I find many blog-avoiding excuses over the GUILT! I should be grading papers, I should finish reading my book, I should write something else, I should vacuum, I should try to sleep, I should list some things on eBay, I should make some calls to sell Thirty-One, I should do some crafts, I should call my mom, I should try to cry, I should watch a movie, I should fold some laundry, I should clean the bathrooms, I should organize my closet, I should pack up Cal's outgrown clothes, I should....just DO something!

I find myself wallowing with guilt even more intensely when I worry over money. Money truly can't buy happiness, I know that, but having some is pretty great. Since my last post, we've had some big expenditures around here. I had to break down & buy a car. Holy stress. It is a wonderful addition to our lives to have a car with heat. Cal & I are enjoying that greatly. The payments are a different story. Thank goodness for my parents for helping me to buy that Wrangler back in 2000 that brought me this far & also to my dad for his 1996 Explorer for chugging me along this past year. Please let this car last as long as those 2. I could have done without any more major purchases until...well, forever after buying the car. Cash reserve is not a luxury this girl has had in a LONG time. Oh, those were the days!

Then, I took Cal to the dentist with a toothache. Poor little bugger. A few appts at the dentist & some dental work under general anesthesia (thank you Grand View Hospital, you took great care of us) & I've discovered that broke is forever. That is a little dramatic. Again with the "we've come a long way"...but it is true. I get myself all caught up in worrying about everything in the moment, but it will all come around & work out.

So I will ignore all of those blissful shopping stories from Black Friday & the reveling in Cyber Monday deals. We have a home, a car with heat & a pain-free kid. That's so much.

There's no need to shy away when things go Guilt, Broke, Dark.

Something missing

Today is such a rough date. I'm sitting up (attempting to convince myself I am continuing to grade assignments into the wee hours) & I'm spinning. Today is about missing my baby girl. Of course, really, in all honesty - every moment is about missing her. These dates are more about having no choice but to be aware of every second that ticks by. I was in the clouds today. Detached & just twirling through life in slow motion.

I can remember so vividly how every moment used to feel like this. It must have been years of gliding through moments just trying to keep my head above water. Trying not to drown in fear & exhaustion. For all of the anxiety & how loud my heart seemed to thump while the kids were sick - it was all in slow motion. Just look at those 2 lounging...I would love to crawl up on that couch & snuggle in with them.

I shocked myself today though. I had the weirdest realization. I was being productive - actually getting some work done on a Sunday. I kept backing away from my computer & thinking I needed something. Coffee? Food? Chocolate? But nothing was jumping into my head & sticking. I couldn't figure out what was going on. The fogginess was all around me & then it suddenly cleared. "Something's missing". I almost said it out loud.

That's totally, 100% it! Having a child die is just that. A million slow seconds of uncertainty. An unrest, a weird feeling that doesn't shake. There's something missing.

I want to thank my brother for kidnapping Cal & I for a fishing trip out on the river today. I love my mom for totally cracking me up yesterday & letting me chatter to her while my nerves got the best of me - sometimes I'm just not sure I'll survive another "date".  My dad admitting he had Avery Day symptoms today allowed me to acknowledge my own foggy shuffle this weekend. And poor Cal - I'm sorry you had to act out a bit today. I know. You were trying to snap me back to you. I promise today won't pull me under.

It was happening right now - 5 years ago exactly. It feels like now. I wish it was now. It's harder 5 years later. Because I had a little girl 5 years ago...and while the seconds tick & my heart thumps & the tears fall...5 years ago - you were gone.

There will always be something missing. I really miss that part of me that was a mom to the best little girl. A mom to a girl is different than a mom to a little boy. And a mom to a little boy is different than a mom to twin boys. I love them all so much, but in such different ways. I just wish I was able to learn how to love them all together.

Avery Elise 5/25/06-right now 2007

Still pondering...

 

Yikes. I am still fighting this "cold" or whatever it is. It gets a little better every day, but I still sound & feel sick. Not cool. Today though I think I broke free from some of the lethargy. Still getting fresh-picked flowers each day doesn't hurt. My imagination has been running wild this evening. You know...we have a day off this week. This means I will convince myself that I will be able to squeeze a million hours worth of fun & creativity & productivity into one day. I always set myself up for a let down. Luckily I have some creative "work" on the list.

 

My weekend would have been more enjoyable without the food poisoning on Saturday night. This is now the 3rd time I have experienced food poisoning. I will refrain from recounting the poisoning at CHOP - no need to re-traumatize the staff members. Although...pulling the emergency cord in your infant son's hospital bathroom HAS to make the top all time list of completely ridiculous experiences. Well...I recounted. This was nothing compared to THAT wonderment. If you've never succumbed to food poisoning, I do not recommend it. It's brutal. My jeans fit comfortably on Sunday though. Sorry. That's just wrong. True though. My abs feel a bit more toned with all this coughing too. I shall view it as a cleanse. I'm a new woman!

 

I'm still pondering (for no reason except that I have issues with obsessive thoughts) what type of immersion project I would embark on in the name of writing a book about my experiences. This then rolls into the age-old question - what would I do if money wasn't an issue. Because, face it - doing stuff costs money. One of my considerations today was a year of Pinterest. Dedicating a year to pinterest projects in the name of home decorating & home improvement. Yes! That would be awesome. Expensive. But awesome. There would NOT be time for that pesky full-time job!

 

Imagine how proud I am of myself for volunteering to do some crafting for our upcoming Alumni Night at work. I always push my hobbies & fun activities to the back burner for all of the countless to-do items. Not this time. I am awaiting a small mail delivery & once it arrives, I am going to do CRAFTS this weekend. It's not a year's worth of Pinterest DIY, but it is a start. Maybe at least a Pin project/month? There's always more time to squeeze in fun.

 

For now, I'll just keep imagining. And...start a "did it" board to make myself feel accomplished. You can follow me on Pinterest. https://pinterest.com/erinsdream/

 



*being grateful*

After a week & some odd days of not being able to find this dear library book - my desperate last-ditch attempt at searching the entire house AGAIN yielded great reward. I have been having a bit of a fast from reading because I really just wanted to continue with this one. I'm often slave to searching for lost items. It's a gift. I can lose anything. Only at the most inconvenient times of course. Murphy's Law. I'm thinking of adding my photo to that Wikipedia page.

I had a wicked cold this past weekend. It was probably more than just a cold (it's still lingering), but what's the point of knowing whether I am truly febrile or not? Especially during a long weekend. I can pretty conveniently keep my germs to myself. In a suffocating amount of snot & uncharacteristic lethargy, I somehow moved the couch at a significantly different angle than the first 50 times I looked under there & my book emerged. Lay in bed, read, nap. Lay on the couch, read, nap. Lay on the hammock, read, nap. (I use the term nap loosely. Recall my dear Calvin. He can let his dad sleep, but not the momma...I did fall asleep briefly enough for my dad to come inside to let me know Calvin was hanging out the window yelling at him. Relax. First floor window. All's good - no need to disturb me. I'm sick.)

My motivation to read A.J. Jacobs' "The Year of Living Biblically" came from Gretchen Rubin's "Happiness Project". I recorded an entire list of recommended readings & cites from her book. I really loved it & this is proof. I am so out of my league in religious knowledge. I love reading & gaining new knowledge. I especially love reading about other people's experiences in learning. NERD ALERT!

I implemented (semi-successfully) a schedule/routine after reading "Happiness Project". (Note dirty dishes downstairs & outfits unplanned as of yet) I am intrigued by A.J. Jacobs' enjoyment of giving thanks through daily prayer. I realized today how incredibly weird (& nerdy) my own thankful personality may be. I know as a consequence to loss & in hopes of coping with anxiety, I am constantly reminding myself of all the greatness that surrounds me.

Great friends, a wonderful home, great family, great kids, general health (stupid Rhinovirus!), job, book concealing couch...the list goes on & on. This can be counterproductive. The big anxiety-provoking thoughts that could probably be tended to & eliminated get pushed to the side by my extreme coping in positivity. Lack of inspectable vehicle, inability to pay certain bills, pile of clean laundry unfolded & never put in its place, Calvin's overdue well check, final kitten lingering in my bedroom awaiting to be sent to its new home, library books captured by my couch...the list goes on & on.

I'm grateful for so much so I definitely do not feel the need to add - think about being thankful - to my daily to-do list, but I am super curious as to how ANYONE can get through a day without acknowledging the good? I know I'm still picking up pieces of a shattered life, but is it so easy for others that there isn't a need for being grateful? Do I seem like a naive brat for always erring on the side of "it could be worse"?

If I had the discipline to embark on a year-long immersion writing project I wonder what it would be? Get my crap together in 12 months? Not looking good. I've been working on that for forever. I shall ponder. In the meantime/distract myself from doing some sort of getting my crap together, I'll sit here & think of how proud I am of myself for returning all of my library books on time & then spoil myself with some coffee & reading while snuggling a snoozing Crazy Calvin. It's a tough habit to break.

*Grandmom's Magic*

I can't get over how hilarious this photo is! I feel like it could end up on Ellen's bizarre family photos segment. It is beautiful, but just look at Calvin contemplating his next evil endevour with those clippers. And there I stand, all proud of my decision-making skills that allow a 4 year-old to cut sunflowers on his own. Oh yeah. Really, the photo is supposed to highlight the 1 sunflower stalk with a million blooms on it. Do you see how cool it is now. Ignore the nutballs, focus on the flower. (Note-no one has yet to be hurt by cal's flowercutting. He knows "me weewy baweful. Thems barp")

In addition to the uber important lesson already addressed - ignore the nutballs, focus on the flowers - the outdoors at Grandmom's house continues to be a great place for learning. This can explain my (& my family & friends) obsession with keeping this property for our family. I'll try to just focus on the photo so we all have a visual of what life is like & perhaps quite different from those without a Grandmom's house.

That flower stalk was standing in the middle of acres of sunflowers. Most of the stalks around it had fallen. The morning glories choked a lot of them this year & once one goes down - it's a domino effect. Well, I wasn't going for the Physics example, but there's another learning lesson. Newton's Laws & sunflowers. So....what I was trying to get at was that I started to climb through debris to cut this bad boy. Of course, as I climbed (yes in that dress...there's another lesson for ya!), I got distracted (shocker!) and cut a handful of other blooms. I'd hoped to get it later. Dad went in after it minutes later. And boy was it worth it. This picture just doesn't do it justice. It was impressive.

Lessons - The coolest things are worth the work it takes to get to them. If you come up short, there's always someone there to pick up the slack. And my favorite one - Appreciate the beauty of what you find & share it. We took some pictures of this & then put it out by the road with some FREE blooms. John later saw (ever have a family member live up on a hill next door? don't kid yourself, they see EVERYTHING! love you guys!) a woman manueuver that huge stalk into her compact car. Not sure what she had in store for it, but I can only imagine that it brought her some joy. Just as it may have brought you joy in picturing her shoving it into her car.

Someone once explained to me that Calvin will have a different experience growing up with grieving parents. I think that this is very true. Note - not WORSE, but different. It's possible that my experiences as a kid were also shaped by grief. Through stories shared by family, I know that the loss of my grandfather (Pop) changed day-to-day life here on Gravel Pike. Priorities are different around here.

Climbing into the sunflowers in a dress - I don't think twice about that. If you're here, you're going to get dirty. If you're not getting dirty, you're missing out on something fun. Period. And one of Grandmom's best lessons...If I happen to stumble or get my dress caught while climbing. "Who cares. You've seen one, you've seen 'em all".

Yes. I do find this picture hilarious. I realized later that this is really how Cal learned to cut with scissors the other day. Here I thought I had finally got him to listen to me about thumb & digit placement. I know that there will be gasps from the mommies in denial club who will chastise me for allowing such danger in Cal's hands. Pbth!

We are demonstrating that we just learned all about admiring the beauty of nature, working together, supporting each other, having fun and sharing...without even realizing it. This is truly a magical place to be & to live. I get a rush of comfort & belonging every time I pull into the driveway.

Today's bad mommy exposure learning lesson will involve saws, hammers, nails, screw guns & paint. The kid already recharged his power wheels by himself yesterday. He can build bunny boxes, right? (Don't worry - G-Pop will help him a little bit).

*no time to process*

Tonight a young police officer in our area was shot & killed in the line of duty. There are obvious messages of love & support pouring from my heart. There is also much more.

I hesitate to pass judgement on anyone. One just never knows what battles any one person is facing at any moment. There's so much to consider - from mental wellness, misdirection, fear, stress, lack of support, physical health, to danger....life is different for all of us. Even in small town America where many define things as safe, calm & even boring or plain, life can be complicated & fleeting.

I immediately thought after allowing myself to read the news release confirming the death of this young officer - we ALL just need to live better. I know that, just like we're all living different realities, that this could mean something different to everyone. But I say it again. We all need to live BETTER.

I'm struggling to use the word senseless in describing this tragedy. The sacrifice of safety & life of a police officer is in no way senseless. These actions are conscious decisions made in the name of protecting others. I need a better word. Is it dishonorable? I am appalled that this officer & his family & his department & law enforcement officers would be dishonored.

I am not shy or quiet about my respect for law enforcement. I won't say that having a father who was a police officer is easy. I'm sure that he would agree that "easy" is not an adjective to describe his career or even his retirement. Perhaps I had a greater understanding of the fragility of life & the spectrum of humanity that exists all over the world from a young age. There are young people all over the world waiting up for their parents to pull in the driveway from their shift or tour.

It rips me apart to know that there are so many people grieving this loss tonight. Can't we all just please live better? Every decision that we make & every statement that we make has an impact on someone else & continues on forever shaping peoples' lives.

In honor of Brad Fox - let's be aware of our actions & how they impact others. Let's not sacrifice the safety & well-being of others for personal gain. Let's live better. It's not senseless. It is a courageous decision to protect & serve.

Thank you Officer Fox & much respect to the law enforcement community that mourns this terrible loss. This family is on my mind & my heart sends support & strength.

*Pandora - yes please!*

I so love to read, but when school starts up again - reading is a luxury for sure. I have it in my schedule & I try to read a few pages, but it can be tough to concentrate with grades to be entered, lesson ideas to be implemented & lately - a new schedule to spin around in my mind. These things come to to surface, not because I feel obligated, but I really do enjoy the creativity I get to use in my job. The thing is, I am MORE creative when I read. So - the internal battle continues. (Add in exhaustion & there you have it. Erin vs Time - the war of the century).

During the school year, I find that music will often prevail as the spark for inspiration & daily reality checks. I wish I could just spend a day listening to songs & following along with the lyrics. The real lyrics - not the ones that I sing along. [Did you ever sing along to every song using "squirrel" for "girl". Pure genius! So fun.] Pandora has the lyrics to most songs show when they play. This isn't great for the commute, but a cool aspect, nonetheless.

These lyrics, I know quite well. Thank you, John Meyer, for your spot-on songwriting. Not too shabby to gaze upon either. (Sorry, Dad - although...you may agree? ha!)

So - let's take a journey with Mr. Meyer - (push play if you haven't already! So amazing.)

Today, September 11th, is a sentimental day that prompts much reflection. I spent a little time following a moment of silence to share my memories of September 11, 2001. Some of my students were only 4 in 2001! September 11, 2007 won the reflection war today though. It probably always will.

This was the day that Avery had her final Lumbar Puncture & Bone Marrow Aspirate. This was the day that I laid in her crib with her while 2 doctors that I respect very much told us that 96% of that BMA was cancer cells. We didn't need to tell them immediately, but we were sure. That was it. We were done. No more poison, no more sticks, no more pain, no more close calls, no more...just - live it up while we could with our happy, beautiful Avery.

We weren't alone that day. Another family was hearing eerily similar news. Earlier in the day our girls had fatefully locked eyes while they were both in the sedation unit prepping for their tests. I'd seen them do it once before & I will never forget it. It is like a scene in a movie where two people have a conversation without saying a word. It was an amazing conversation, I know it! Though it brings tears to my eyes, it is a comfort. Like best friends who have each others' backs. Like sisters sharing secrets. Hope. Love. Heart. Life.

Those two girls shared that moment with their mommas & for that I am grateful. For that I am comforted. I love you Michelle! I miss you, Tara & I miss you, Avery. I KNOW the heart of life is good. No matter how short, tragic or in my case, broken. (Sing that chorus John Mayer!)

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

(Whistle Interlude)

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

*let 'em grow*

There are many things that I wish I knew how to do well. Due to my lack of knowledge about them, I just avoid trying. One of my biggest issues with this is any sort of plant. Yes, yes - acres of sunflowers. Not my doing. There's a combination of Weirman/Curtis work to get that going. Calvin & I did plant one thing this year. Carrot seeds.

I know one rule about planting. You're supposed to plant the week following Mother's Day. So, Calvin & I did just that this past May. Just a few carrot seeds in un-disced earth. We just dug up the dirt a little & threw the seeds in. We watered them a couple times (o.k. maybe once) & he was able to harvest quite a few carrots throughout the Summer months.

I need to take a lesson from Cal's carrots. Even though the Weirman/Curtis combo warned of my misadventure in carrot planting - Cal's carrots were pretty impressive. I need to continue to try things even when I am not over-informed or overprepared. Next year I am hoping to plant even more food. I don't know why I was so hesitant. What's the worst that will happen? They won't come up. Who's really going to care? And if it works. We can all enjoy it. At least we'll know that we tried. (As I feel guilty for all of the seeds I still have - all pretty in their packages.)

The same needs to go for the landscaping that I wish so much to try, the Master's Degree that I am so secretly & utterly passionate about, the writing I want so badly to pursue & the continued growth that I hope to have the courage to continue.

After so long in the fog of trauma, depression & awful anxiety - everything seems to be clearing. Ironically, clarity comes with additional anxiety, but I'm getting better at working with all that crazy heart pounding, heavy feet & spinning.

Those carrots took way longer to grow than I had anticipated. I'm glad we gave them a chance. Now, let's see how long it takes me to do the same?

*acts of kindness*

There were damaging storms predicted for today here at the homestead. We had some significant downpour, but no thunder. Boo! I miss thunderstorms when Fall & Winter come. Thundersnow...now THAT can be enjoyable. But it is so rare & cold, dark Winter, my mood is not a fan.

Due to the impending storms, Dad requested some "Free Sunflowers" signs for out by the road & on the trail. A big wind & driving rain was sure to bring down the remaining sunflowers. Oh no! Summer's over. This time of year is usually a tough time for me. I'm going to fight it this year. (Not that I don't want to fight the blues every year, but I just REALLY don't want to fall THIS year).

I started the Cricut up (another gadget I LOVE!) to make some fancy schmancy letters to put on the sandwich board out front. Ugh! And...just as when any other enjoyable task begins, something comes up. Change of plans, someone in the house needs something else. So - poster markers & the back of Calvin's Giant Coloring pages it is. Nothing bums me out more than shoddy craftiness. I did find some solace in the mere accomplished activity. Signs out front & on the trail. Ugly, but done.

In the meantime, Dad was cutting & filling buckets. SO MANY sunflowers took off down the trail today. Holy symbolism, Batman. It was almost supernatural to watch the process. Most of those who chose to take some sunflowers would first walk/jog/ride past the bucket & sign. Then, about 10 seconds later, they'd turn around to grab a few & continue on. It was like the sunflowers were grabbing their hands as they went past & then when their arms were stretched too far, they came back. Smiles galore. And lots of thanks.

Those darn kids & Grandmom's house & Uncle Will's sunflowers...they're still making even the stormiest day brighter. Broke those storms up just enough that we might just be able to pass along some kindness again tomorrow. I'm somehow going to try to stretch this Summer all the way into next Spring.

*at 5 a.m.*

Yay! We're back on the grid here in Schwenksville & the internet is back up & running. Thank you, Verizon! It's amazing how productive 5 a.m. can be. Yesterday I woke up to no internet or tv. I probably could have gone days without realizing the cable was gone, but internet - yikes. We're a Netflix house. Usually 5:30 is amazing time spent with my flat iron & a show. (I'm working my way through "Vampire Diaries"). So yesterday I was all - flat iron & customer service chat on my iPhone.

Before heading out the door, I was able to get dressed, hair calmed, coffee made & troubleshoot/schedule a visit from our friendly Verizon repairperson. Awesome. I did have to chiggity check myself a couple times during our chat. First of all, I am pretty handy with electronic mishaps. I can fix things that require rebooting, unplugging & replugging, reseting, etc. I like to determine the problem before calling for help. In the past these things have included - surged router & cable box, broken PVC pipe to the well pump (that included some yiping & an unexpected shower in the basement) & the oh so common shattered screens on Apple devices. I was a little annoyed when my online chat buddy needed to ask me if we had power. SO frustrating to be unable to respond sarcastically through chat. [i.e. - "omg - THAT'S why the internet & cable don't work...seriously dude?]

A few extra trips up & down the steps & there was an appointment for this morning. Kept quite promptly, I may add. Little snafu with finding the house...my patience was kind of iffy on that call too. If you ask me if I am at the incorrect address, I WILL say no. Furthermore...yes, you DO need to let me know which direction you are heading on a road so I can confirm or deny that you're heading in the "right direction". Oh good gravy. But alls good in the neighborhood. Note: Last time I SPOKE to a Verizon rep to arrange service, she told me I was "wonderful". I need her on speed dial.

There were all of these things that I wanted to do last night that required internet. I decided on reading, but then couldn't find the book I wanted to read. TYPICAL! The later in the week, the more scattered my brain. I'm exhausted. Pretty sure Cal is exhausted too. This is him right now.

We'll call this photo - Falling Asleep By Accident

 

 

Highlight of yesterday that I missed the chance to blog about - I met up with another mom  who recently lost her son. We went for an afternoon walk. We had never met before, although emailed briefly before he passed & I had to reach out after I heard the news of his passing. What a wonderful momma. I am looking forward to another walk or 50. The ability to talk as grieving moms one on one & without worry of judgement is priceless. So glad that I listened to my gut & sent that email. Little sunshine, little exercise & some good company. Easy recipe for good times.

*Pleasant*

I may be tired - I just posted this on my class blog. Oh my lands! Thank goodness it was PG. Here it goes -

My dad called me this afternoon to ask how my first day of school went. I actually described the new batch of students I met today as "pleasant". When did I get so OLD?! Soon I will be using adjectives like "grand". For example, tomorrow afternoon's conversation may go something like this -Oh, dear father, I had a grand time at warm water aerobics this evening at the senior center. Sheesh! [This is a bonus dig at my dadio as he has already participated in said activity!]

I truly did have a great first day back to school with the pleasant students in school today. What is even greater are my co-workers. Since I have returned to teaching, following Nolan's death & struggles with depression & anxiety (shocking, right?), the bonds among many of us have grown exponentially. See! I even have friends that teach math. Otherwise I would never have access to such vernacular.

Believe it when I tell you, teachers work VERY hard. This is why it is so amazing that we can also project so much energy & love throughout a work day. If not for Avery & Nolan, I believe that our work day would be very different. You see, at my job, we hug each other A LOT! I'm positive that this sounds strange. If it isn't a hug, it is a big smile & quick conversation. A funny email conversation can serve as a shot of inspiration. Sometimes there is dancing, singing, jokes, jabs, funny faces, notes, cards, shrieks & poems. If we don't see each other during the day - there's going to be a text, email or post waiting for after school.

Today was pleasant. It was more than pleasant - it was wonderful. Not because of where I was, what I was doing or how hard we worked, but...who I was with. All of our love & all of our comradery is starting to rub off on the kids too. THAT is so super cool. I am so proud that we have kids who look forward to coming to a school where they feel safe & connected. Isn't that grand?

*Never quite "ready"*

The kids are coming back tomorrow!! So my beach trip on Friday threw me right back into Summer Vacation mode. I thought I would keep a good grip on reality as I ironically drank pumpkin spice coffee on the beach, but I was wrong. Friday through Sunday were about as worry-free as they come. Cal & I chilled on the beach, I had a roaring case of insomnia on Friday night, we played video games, did some cleaning up, played with glow sand (holy messy invention Crayola!) after dark & Cal somehow got hooked on the riveting theatrical production that is, "Fireman Sam". There are a lot of whiny kids on that show, btw.

Today was a mental & physical battle of concentrating on getting ready for the 1st day of classes tomorrow & warding off the crazy Sunday frenzy (even though it was Monday - going back after Labor Day is nothing less than glorious) that our profession can inflict on the weak. Really there is only so much that can get done with the hours available in the day. I really wish someone would work on that. I could use just SIX more hours. Is that really too much to ask? OK 8 more might be better. I would like extra sunshine with that order too.

As you can tell, I am running behind on my self-inflicted schedule. Sleeping the night before the first day is a ridiculous goal anyway. Checking & re-checking alarm clocks, trying to mentally run through one's schedule & my personal best - thinking of an awesome idea for a lesson that will undoubtedly take the place of anything that I have worked on leading up to said middle of the night epiphany - I'm not reading your mind...we're all just THAT similar.

Before you know it though, we'll be heading back to Six Flags for the end of year Senior trip. So I choose this year (like I was pretty successful at doing last year) to ward off those Sunday freak outs. I can look forward to each week knowing that it will be frenzied, unpredictable & inspiring - even if I am not "ready". How ready can you really be? I can tell you that you CAN be more ready than I am right now. But I am confident that I will enjoy getting to know a little over 100 new faces tomorrow. We'll laugh, we'll think, we'll be nervous & we'll be excited for a new school year.

I like to have a theme or goal in the classroom each year. For example one year it was consistency, one year it was respect & understanding & last year it was all about being comfortable & confident. I haven't decided 100% on a theme yet for this year, but it will have something to do with discovery & awareness. Trying new things, being kind, using positive language, going into each moment with a positive expectation & creating.

It can be so tempting to do the same things in the same way every time, but I just can't roll like that. I like to see where the day takes us. Sure, there are always plans & goals -- but there are so many different ways to get there. Oh! Those sweet little things will pretend they hate me for making them work & think. Eeeek! I'm so excited. Here we go 2012-2013. Good luck & good times to all of my teacher friends. You're ready enough. Now go lay in bed & stare at the ceiling thinking of all of the things you need to do.

*Awesome*

OK. I have a serious issue with sarcasm. I use it well & often. In the teachers' handbook for my student teaching assignment back in the dark ages of 2001, there was actually a "rule" saying that teachers would not use sarcasm in the classroom. - I had a slight panic attack & then continued my journey. I break rules all of the time. I generally just don't like being told what to do. Sarcasm is part of my personality (& pretty much what allows me to be a high school teacher - all of my favorite (arguably BEST) teachers were sarcastic.)

My go to sarcastic phrase is simple - "Awesome." Some examples -

*Calvin - Mommy, me pooped in the yard (this truly happened last year. Judge if you must)
Me - Awesome.

*Daily comment from co-worker - Erin, you just spilled coffee on your shirt
Me - Awesome

*Me arriving for a long-awaited kid-free shopping trip without my wallet. "Awesome"

*The student comment section to this example chart would be too extensive for blogging - I will save that for a book deal some time in the future. And I could get fired for using such examples here....awesome.

This word has been haunting me today. In an effort to be a proud onco mommy, I was embarking on a tedious project to raise awareness for Childhood Cancer. (sarcastic). Ok, I was thinking of changing my profile picture to a picture of Nolan since Avery was my profile picture yesterday. I was on the iPad & like the AWESOME person that I am, I do not have a picture of Nolan on that glorious device (not sarcastic, I freaking LOVE that thing!) to upload as my profile pic. Unlike other mommas, I can just google my kids & download a picture to use. Of course THE video came up on the search &...I watched it. Awesome. (sarcastic)

So it's 7 a.m.-ish & all of the healthy people of the Perkiomen Valley are jogging/walking/biking by as I sit on the back porch & cry. Sweet. (My second favorite sarcastic spasm.) Calvin was loving the part with him & Nolan moving around. **Calvin, please don't ask to watch it again** Phew! Why should I cry alone? Instead of changing my profile picture today, I'll share THE VIDEO (this is said with a deep, scratchy, scary voice) as my Childhood Cancer Awareness outreach today, 9/2. I have a bad habit of assuming everyone knows the tale of Momma Gloom. So...those who know-won't watch & those who don't-will know soon enough. I should have looked at the YouTube hit count this morning.

That sucker got shared all over the place today. Rah Childhood Cancer Awareness! Go Avery & Nolan. Oh! And everyone is telling me how awesome I am. Awesome. (sarcastic, remember?)

When it comes down to it, I'm no more awesome than the next girl. I try to be amazing & a bit of a rule breaker because it is super fun, challenging & a little rebelious. I don't like it when people tell me what to do so I like to make my own way. Unlike student teaching, there's no written rule that says that a mom with 2 dead kids can't be fun, but there are some unwritten rules & misconceptions out there that I like to rebel against. I like to have fun, I like to help others, I like having friends, I like meeting new people & I like going places & doing stuff. Look at me! I'm just like everyone else! (So much for rebellion.) But the unwritten rule is that I would be best suited for a life-long sentence of staring at the wall. Not THIS momma! No way. I have things to do & coffee to spill.

I appreciate all of the kind words that are sent my way. My close friends are reminding me that they love me (thank you. I love you more!), friends of my close friends are reminding me that they love me because their friend loves me & some people I don't know & I will not try to figure out their motives. Let's just assume that they are sane & well-intentioned (please do not reignite the stalker, please do not reignite the stalker, please do not reignite the stalker). Today I am even more thankful for my "you are awesome" messages. First, my friend, Cat, provided this -

Bahahaha! This I love. I didn't ask for this awesome. I caught it from my kids. It's hard to explain.

And then, some less than empathetic comments emerged about THE VIDEO (remember to make the voice!). Conclusion. I would rather be uncomfortable in owning my Awesome diagnosis (see above) than having my kids' lives & my life described as "brutal". THE VIDEO isn't brutal. It made you cry. I am very sorry. Really, I don't enjoy making myself, my family, my friends or strangers cry. THE VIDEO is beautiful. It shows my AWESOME kids & people who love them. It's a true story & it's our story & if that diagnoses me with Awesome or infected with Awesome or A.W.E.S.O.M.E. + (did you get that?! Pretty funny, right?!), so be it.


***Nerd Alert! - In an effort to overuse Awesome today & get more comfortable with accepting it - I did a Pinterest search of "Awesome". Do it! It was fun.**

September is...

Did you know that September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month? Gold Ribbon.

There can be quite a bit of controversy during September. This can be a delicate topic, so I will - as I feel appropriate - tread lightly. Can you help all of the families who have faced, are facing or will face childhood cancer to spread awareness this month? Share Avery & Nolan's story, share what you know about my story, spread the word! All cancers are not funded equally. September is the month for GOLD ribbons.

Today I spent a glorious summer day with a wonderful family. To those who choose to contend that childhood cancer is rare. I say PHOOEY! You can use my freaky family stats or you can take a good look at my friends list or you can spend a day at the beach with 2 moms who lost 2 Averys within a year of each other. You know (and I have to hold my breath as I type this) that there is a family right this second finding out that their child has cancer? Out of no fault or reason or known cause. It was me, twice. It could be anyone. One in 300 boys & one in 333 girls will develop cancer before their 20th birthday.

For all of the sadness that cancer has brought into my days, I have wonderful friends that I would never know would it not be for our children's cancer diagnoses. Amazing memories were made today. A day at the beach with football, funny faces & rides. In reality, this is just the 3rd time we've been together. Some of the kids just met each other this morning, but we just go together like peas & carrots.

Onco moms can fall in friendship with each other so quickly because we speak a secret language & we live in a way that is different than everyone else. Certain things don't seem so important anymore, some things drive us all crazy & we have a sense of humor that is one of a kind. We check in on each other casually & often. But the unique gift we have is that we love each others' kids like our own.

When we're on the beach together, you can feel a forcefield around us & our kids. We're an amoeba of care & fun. We all just fit together so naturally. I have described my broken heart before in that a broken heart & love have a similar feeling. Maybe our broken hearts make more room for more love?

With all the broken pieces of my heart - I LOVE my onco mom friends & in the spirit of awareness tonight - let's see how full our momma hearts are - We love our Avery & Nolan and we love like our own - Avery, Jacob, Tara, Mackenzie, Josh, Jess, Jordyn, Luke, Andrew, Jaden, Victoria, Dante, Nick, Trey, Luca, Kayla, Kiara, Elizabeth, Gabby, Mary, Kyle, Gia...

...my cup overflowith...

One Fish, Two Fish...

Calvin & I read "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" tonight as our bedtime story. I say we because he's getting really good at looking at the pictures & filling in the blanks when I hesitate. It is so cool to experience his learning. I love learning & I know now that this is the reason I have followed the path to be a professional educator. I love to learn & I love learning about learning.

I think this explains why I have such a grief struggle every year at back to school time. What a wonderful time for kids & parents. Back to school! Listening to & experiencing the growth & learning of children is magical. Learning never ends, but there is something special about school. Especially elementary school kids. I would never choose to be an elementary teacher, I have a tortured soul who enjoys spending time with hundreds of teenagers 10 months out of the year. But elementary kids are just awesome. If you've never seen a little kid with a backpack bigger than they are running off the bus in the afternoon towards their mom, dad or grandparent...you're missing out on one of the pure wonders of the world. It has to be the cutest thing EVER.

I saw so many back to school messages from friends over the past week. Today, there was one photo shared by a friend of her little girl - off to 1st grade. I plummeted. The tears started. And then the flashbacks. Or maybe the flashbacks & then the tears. One never knows. Avery (chronologically) would have had her first day of 1st grade today.

Even when your child is gone, some dreams for them continue. I still hold a deep hope that she would love school as much as I did & experience great success. So it kills me at this time of the year that she didn't get to experience many firsts that I dream of. I think jealousy is an emotion that is often downplayed. It is strong! I feel it & it is a tough one to wrestle. I'm thankful for all I have. I hope that everyone who knows me values this about me. I just can't help wanting to buy cute outfits for my little girl, stock her up with the coolest school supplies & get pictures of her climbing on the bus for school.

There are dreams that still linger, although impossible - Cal & I read "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish - This book belongs to Avery Megonigal. But she died. Yes Calvin, she died, but we still love her very much. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Black Fish, Blue Fish, Old Fish, New fish..."

There's one thing that all 3 of my kids learned quickly. Love. That dream never ends.

*This takes some getting used to*

First day back to work after a glorious summer & first full day attempting to follow my schedule. I consider this a fluid document so perhaps some modifications &/or additions will have to be made.

Overall I am very pleased with myself for following through on this idea. The schedule did not keep me from regressing into a few bad habits. The worst one is -- feeling sorry for myself. Case in point. I was hustling to get to everything on my list of things to do this evening which included laundry, dishes & cleaning. One of those darned DS games was lost in our couch this past weekend so I embarked on vacuuming & washing covers. This makes Cal automatically want to jump on the couches - making the dirt fly & pushing the supposedly clean pieces into the dirt. (We have a lot of dirt in our house - it's an uncanny phenomenon. Lots of dirt!)

I could have just cried. I don't know why I get so emotional when I am cleaning. I think it is just general frustration. And then I feel sorry for myself that I'm working alone & nobody is helping me. Which is crazy because I'm the one who places the expectations. Silly.

I checked off the majority of things on my schedule. Maybe not in the timeframes, but they're checked off. Cal is late to bed tonight, but we're washed & pj'ed again. 2 nights in a row! Oh the temptation to put off my shower until tomorrow. I had a hard enough time getting out of here on time this morning. Night showers it must be.

We even had a little chill time when Cal got home. He was thrilled to find my Bufo! (This is my underfoot toad friend) He's an outside kiddo. We have the best adventures & I missed him today sooo much.



I'm so exhausted right now. I still want to do some reading - 10:30 rest time calls though. This is rough. I think, even though the committment to cleaning time in the p.m. can make me cry - I'm feeling the most anxiety over the sleep/resting time. I felt rushed this morning. I need to find a way that I can enjoy my mornings, even with 45 less minutes. Mornings are my favorite. I like to see the sun come up...preferably while enjoying a hot cup of coffee & relaxing. I'm asking a lot, huh?

Going back to work each school year takes some getting used to. I just want to feel more present this year & not get lost in exhaustion & work. Thank goodness I have wonderful friends at work with me. Thanks to a few special peeps, I heard many words of encouragement about both my efforts for maintaining a schedule & for blogging. Change can be tough, but it also can be productive & positive. So far, so good.

Had to revisit

I had to revisit tonight's blog attempt. I will definitely leave the one up from earlier. It's so weird, but I was committing to my attempt to define a schedule in our house & found myself snuggled in with Cal & just my iPad. So...I downloaded the Blogger app & started to blog. Only to find out that I can't type my thoughts using the iPad. How weird is THAT?! I'm sure there are articles & grad students researching the brain to iPad typing deficiencies right now. But I'm back on qwerty just as I like it - so let's try this again.

Today in the the mania of the LAST DAY OF SUMMER VACATION, I typed up a prototype schedule for my mornings & Cal & my evenings on school days. Here's a peek of what I have so far. I did pretty well tonight. Cal was even sleeping at or around 9:30. I know this is probably an attrociously late bedtime consideration for all of you moms out there who don't admit that your child doesn't sleep a million hours every night, but this is super early for Calvin. Last year at this time, he was up until 11:30 or later most nights. It was KILLING me.

This is my big plan for the year -

5:00 - up

Walk dogs - 30 minutes

5:30 - feed animals - dogs, cats, guinea pig, bunnies, bird

5:40 - get dressed, do hair/make-up

6:05 -make coffee (Cailin has some!), pack lunch, gather shit - check Cal's stuff, load of laundry, unload dish washer, load dishwasher

6:15-6:30 - leave (with arrival around 7:05)

WORK

3:00 - leave school

3:30 - walk dogs

4:00- feed dogs, cats, laundry, clean, make dinner

4:30 - Cal home - eat, chill

6:00 - pack lunches, make sure clothes are ready

6:30 - do work, read, blog

8:00 -bath, shower, teeth, jammies

9:00 -bed (Cal)

9:00 - work, blog, read

10:30 - bed! haha

Allow me to explain a few things about this. First of all - I haven't even had a glimmer of an idea about any sort of routine or schedule for a LONG time. It may sound like a bunch of hooey, but I seriously have gaps in memory from a year or 2 before Avery was born until about May of this year. It's crazy, but I really can't remember much. It is only recently that I have been recalling chunks of things that happened or I did during this time. This isn't uncommon following trauma, but it is tough to believe or understand unless you've experienced it. (not recommended btw!). So this schedule may seem ridiculous to you normal peeps out there.

Secondly there are some major committments to sleep all up in this thing. I despise sleep. I know that in addition to trauma, my memory is blurred because of sleep deprivation. I don't sleep much & when I do try, I do not sleep well. It is important though & I would like to remember some things about my 20s (well most things, actually) so I am going to try to rest more. Maybe sleep will happen...maybe not, but I am going to try. My wake-up time last year was more in the 4:15/4:30 range. I don't like to feel rushed in the morning. I like to drink my pot & a half of coffee & change my mind about my outfit 15 times. I like to do my hair & make-up while watching Netflix or reading a book. Hmmm...maybe this schedule already sucks?! Bedtime is kind of laughable too. It will be great for Cal-fun, but the earlier he's sleeping, the later I want to stay up & get things done. (I have 4 minutes to go to bed...still typing...and I want to read more now - I'm IN bed, does that count? I need schedule referees. I don't know the rules.)

One more thing because I am running out of time here - I dropped the ball on 1 of my nightly goals already tonight. I really don't know what I am wearing tomorrow. Grrr...I shall lay in bed & stew about that now. Maybe if I get up at 4:15, I can find, launder & dry an outfit - my favorite ones are always in the hamper/on the bathroom floor.

A new routine..or a routine rather

I have a strange motivation to get some control back into my world. I understand well that many things are outside of my control, but the spiraling of the past 6 years is starting to slow. It kind if feels like I'm waiting for the right minute to jump from a swing.

I felt the momentum shift around Avery's birthday. I actually followed through with ordering butterflies for us to release. We loved it! No more waiting around for things to fall into place.

Tomorrow is my first day back to work after a wonderful summer. Today, I actually created a time schedule for my mornings & evenings. Cal & I are following a schedule for the first time. I still have some loose ends for tomorrow, but that's fine. Hopefully the morning will go as well as the evening.

I'm looking forward to seeing all of my work buddies tomorrow. I'm going to be missing Cal, but we have summer hours yet to experience. Friday we're heading back to the beach. I'm bringing my camera this time & it will be a great blog for sure.

I have so much more energy lately since I've started to blog. It's worth a lot to me to hold myself accountable for all of the goals & dreams I have. Many are still quite short-term as a result of losing Avery & Nolan, but it can be easy to lose track of things throughout the hours & days.

Happy back to school, everyone. Let the fun begin! This year - work at work & home at home. That's a lofty goal. I'm going to do my best though. First step-stick to my schedule.

Early dog walk in the a.m. Once I see how it goes (and what I forget), maybe I'll share my schedule?

Birthday parties...they're not just for the kids

Calvin's last birthday bash was when he turned 1. I think at that point, our family was just so relieved to have a surviving child who was well that we were all holding our collective breath throughout the following year - watching Calvin for signs of lethargy, bruising or bleeding. These are symptoms of leukemia, but in reality - they're also all part of having a little, growing boy.

This year, Calvin turned 4. His birthday party was a celebration of many things. I've already mentioned in a previous post that his reaching 4 without a cancer diagnosis is statistically significant. That can't be overlooked, for sure. But we also celebrated a kid, who developmentally has made leaps & bounds this past year. His words were late to be spoken, but he's at no loss for them now. He's a potty professional without any accidents. Which completely baffles me. I can only explain that he is a bit stubborn like me. He didn't want to try the potty thing until he was sure he had it all figured out. Same seems to be the same with socializing. He still battles shyness, but when he's confident with something or familiar with someone, he can play & participate now. Not so much at the beginning of the year when he was so painfully shy. Everyone enjoyed watching him interact with kids at his party. Here he is making the best of MiMi's special Glycerin bubbles at his party. (Thank you Christine for the photo...my brother's photos WILL be pried from his perfectionist grasp so we can all have some more great shots of our kids from Saturday).

Our family has much to celebrate all together too. We celebrate 1 year in our home. We've progressed from sleeping in the living room, all together like we grew so accustomed to doing while living at CHOP. Of course, tonight, Calvin wants to sleep downstairs on the couch. Little stinker. He has slept in his own room a few times, but we're both happy to share my room as our own. My dad makes fun of me for my bed filling my entire bedroom, but sharing a bigger bed is worth the lack of extra space. How do kids' elbows & feet have such sharp points?

We've grown, socially, by branching out our circle of friends & participating more. I know I spend a lot of time feeling like the touch of death. It takes a lot of courage to expose our hearts. Any gathering can be emotional. We see healthy families, sibling groups, parents calling their children by our missing kiddos' names, expecting parents & THE WORST-the seemingly ungrateful or less than warm parents. My stomach twists almost every moment of the day when I'm not within the walls of our house. There are reminders everywhere of what could have been, what we're missing & what we have to fight through just to get out of bed each day.

What we've lost DOES make us more grateful for each moment. We live a life with much different priorities & perceptions than others. We overlook details as we're caught up in controlling emotions & redirecting sadness into determination.

Birthday parties are not just for the kids. In addition to the adult beverages (what's a birthday party without some beverages?..somehow I have 1 in my hand & put it down so many times that by the time I find it a million times, it takes me all day to finish it.) birthday parties are an excuse to PLAY! Beanbag toss, bubbles, washers, duck pond - we had a blast. Like Calvin not knowing which toy to play with first, there were so many friends & family attending that I did not get a chance to visit with everyone as much as I would hope. I can only hope that every single kid & big kid had as much fun as we did - celebrating every single connection we still have or have made in FOUR years.

Being part of our world is not for the weak. It takes guts to be part of our world. THANK YOU for being there & sticking it out for the love of Calvin. We had a wonderful day celebrating EVERYTHING.

My house is a mess!

We're having a birthday party for Calvin tomorrow. I know that he is super excited. I was lucky enough to have some help in prepping this evening. Thank you to Kristy, Kimmie, Andy, Dad & John for helping me out today with things. And an early thank you to everyone who will bring treats tomorrow. Phew. Having help is wonderful.

But when it comes down to it, we won't have EVERYTHING on the list done. There will be dirt before guests arrive (& more after & that's exactly how we like it around the "farm"). Decorations that I had in mind won't get made. Decorations I already made will fall apart or get pulled down by Cal. Something will be missing. And all of that will be just fine. Just take a look at the impromptu baby collage. Ugh! The pictures are all falling. Maybe I'll have time to fix it & maybe not.

The help with baking tonight was clutch. It is so nice to finally take up an offer for help. This is something I have never really been able to do. We had a great time & if it wasn't for the pizza we ordered, where would we have put our cake pop masterpieces?!

 

The blue cupcakes were sacrificed for a game of wiffle ball with Calvin in the dark. My brother made my facebook status "Putting sticks into balls". Hijacker! I'm positive there will be Jack Russell hair on the couch. There WILL be cake. Calvin will love his party (even though he told me that tonight was a party too with everyone here helping. You're right, buddy!). I can only hope that everyone has a good time. We're doing cake, desserts & beverages. Really this is so I can hopefully enjoy some social time too. Nothing worse than hosting & not enjoying the time with friends who gather.

This is our chaotic life. I'm lucky to check off "have fun" on my to-do list every single day. Tomorrow will be no different. Happy 4th Birthday party Calvin!

 

Devil in the backyard

Dad stopped by a little later than usual. He sauntered in the door holding the remains of a few sunflowers. Hmph! Someone jumped the fence & picked his flowers again. So frustrating. We definitely have plenty to share, but seriously, what is wrong with people? I would never go into someone's yard to pick their flowers. It technically is a)trespassing & b)stealing. Yuck. It bugs dad on many levels. The law, the consideration & it is tough not to take it personally. It hurts. Just knock on the dang door & ask. We're outside more often than not during the day. I refuse to sit out & watch every person that walks down the trail. It stinks. And if you're going to rip them out - at least take them with you - there was a trail of them down the bank.

So I wrote a sign to "post". It read "SUNFLOWERS. For your viewing pleasure. Grown in memory of our beloved Uncle Will, Grandmom & our children, Avery & Nolan. Please to do not trespass. (This includes reaching over or climbing over the fence & picking the flowers). Thank you."
I really wanted to add ....JACKASS! afterwards, but...I refrained.

When I walked the sign out to Dad, I almost stepped on this - the world's biggest caterpillar. Not really the World's biggest, but big enough! Isn't he cool? I scurried back inside to get Calvin & we spent some quality time with our squatter. Hickory horned Devil - Citheronia regalis. After 2 years in its pupae - eventually a Regal Moth. In 2 years, I'll have my eye out for him. The get up to 6 inches long & this was probably close. Unreal!

This kid has a cool life! Even if I wouldn't let him keep or snuggle with the Devil.

 

Lady in the Sunflowers

First of all - My toad friend is back on the porch this evening. I didn't step on him today...yet. But the Jack Russell is giving him a hard time. Resilient little thing.

As I was leaving to attend a Thirty-One meeting this evening, I noticed a car on the pull-off in front of the egg shed. The car was facing the wrong way (against traffic) & there was no one in the car. Hmph. I had to investigate & found a lovely woman among the sunflowers.

Like many of the people who we find wandering the property, she fondly recounted my Grandmom. But still - some people have the decency to knock on the door & let us know what they're up to. It can be a slight inconvenience, but it seems like the right thing to do. I can't imagine walking around someone's yard without checking in. And the excuse of "I didn't think anyone was living here" doesn't really cut it considering the toys strewn about & car in the drive. Silly.

She was taking photos of the sunflowers & promised to give me some of the photos. I won't hold my breath, but I was able to let her know the story of our sunflowers. So, maybe she will drop off some prints. It sounds like I modeled my Grandmother's behavior well. This photographer let me know that Grandmom would walk with her as she took photos & tell her about all of us grandkids. Oh Grandmom. Our visitor also fondly recounted the days of the roadstand that my Uncle Will had here at the house.

I miss those days too. My first taste for sales & how interesting people could be. A way to begin getting over my tendency to be shy & the ability to do quick math & make change. I ate peaches right from the tree, tomatoes like apples, all varieties of watermelon & just this night - some late, fresh asparagus. We have a whole row ready to pick.

Strange that one could have so much in common with a complete stranger. Fond memories, connection to the same sunflower field for different reasons, common memories. Makes you wonder why it is so difficult for people to get along.

Balancing Act

We had a sad day in our house today. Calvin, who rarely cries anymore at 4, was a blubbering mess today. I had to reflect a bit on our Spring & Summer. It has been particularly rough. We've seen worse, but it doesn't take away from the sting of here & now for Calvin. We've also had some amazingly positive memories. Like adding this little Bolt to our family.

In the Spring, my Grandmom Weirman died. I can now, more times than not, talk about Avery & Nolan's passing without tears spilling over. But even now thinking about the world without my Grandmom makes the tears roll. I've written about her often & I struggle to find words worthy of her contribution to my life. There's not a day that I don't think about her. I am comforted by every memory I have of her here in her house. For the most part, Calvin was shielded from this loss, but of course, not completely. He still informs me each time we pass the Colonnade (now Greenfield, I think) that "that where Grandmom is" & we have a little conversation. I have not taken him to her grave yet. I can't hold it together enough when I am there yet. Soon we will visit together & have a new conversation about burials. We have Nolan & Avery at our house. This will be new for him.

Cal's life is influenced constantly by living his life with grieving parents. His Spring & Summer has also been influenced by our grieving as a family for our Grandmom. She was 90 when the boys were born. I tried to make her promise me in 2002 that she would live until she was 120. She would not promise me, in fact she made her "you've got to be kidding me? No way" face. Her health declined rapidly over Cal's 3+ years, but we still have memories to share & hold.

That was death reminder & reality number 1 this Spring. Recently, we had to put our Black Lab down. Again with the tears! Boone was a pain in the butt Lab, but a big part of my life for the past 10 years. And my family's life too. Calvin loves animals & although Boone only came back to live with us this past February from a cushy stay with my brother, Kristy & the boys, he was a big part of Cal's every day. Cal learned about diabetis & watched me/reminded me to give him his twice daily injections. He also watched his health restore & then deteriorate again. He experienced a lengthy seizure & many conversations about his pending death.

It has not been long, but Cal still talks about Boone every day. He continues to remind me that he wanted Boone to die at "me house", but mommy didn't have the right medicine for him. We don't talk Heaven in our house. So instead we have very factual conversations about medicine & Boone's heart stopping. I am certainly going to be the hated Kindergarten parent. I can just imagine the voicemails in will surely receive. Or perhaps Children & Youth referrals because Calvin has told kids & teachers that his mommy keeps his brother & sister on a shelf in her room.

All of this loss this Spring & Summer surely attributed to the meltdowns today. But the trigger - his daddy sold his truck. A truck that he has taken maybe 5 rides in over the past 2 months. Oh Calvin. You're so sensitive, but so wise beyond your years. So today, we mourn the loss of one small silver pick-up. You were a good truck. We enjoyed our time with you. We know you're in a better home with an owner who can use you for pick-up worthy tasks.

And before my father chimes in - I too had a major meltdown when he sold our family pick-up truck. In fact, I can still well up thinking about it or if I see a picture. Drama!

In all, we've done a great job of balancing our good with our not so good. We laugh through the tears & dance in the rain. It's all we can do.

If I...

If I step on one more gosh darned TOAD this summer, I swear?! Bufo Americanus!

Bare-footed every time too. Lucky little things. They pee, I almost pee. It's insanity!!!

I digress...
Crazy things like this happen to me constantly. I know that this particular almost nightly debacle is due to my choice of locale & my need to run to the car for countless things strewn about in there. And in good fortune for said toads, they all (although I am sure that one particular hopping amigo has got me a few times) have survived & it happens while Cal's in bed. Otherwise we would have even more toads captured indoors. He loves them & prefers to hold them while watching tv. Don't worry. He'll ask you if you would like to hold them too. "Don't worry. Thems really nice."

I've spent some time reading today (big shocker!). A last minute grab & dash at the Library sent me home with Jai Pausch's book. It was in the new non-fiction section which is my weakness. I grabbed it impulsively & figured out while getting my highlights done (thank you Tracey!) that it was Jai's caregiver point of view following the death of Randy Paush.

I read "The Last Lecture" awhile ago & truly enjoyed it. My mom who is not a reader, but listens to books while she commutes, raved as well. It's definitely worth the read. It's a quick read & inspiring. Jai is absolutely KILLING me though. Her book is also amazing. Like my life, hers includes many dates. September 2007 this, February 2008 that. HOLD ON A MINUTE!

I generally have to severely concentrate on dates & relate them to some prior knowledge I have of the time to allow them to sink in. It took me too long to read Seabiscuit because I would turn the dates over in my head & try to match them with historical events & family members who were living at the time. I am fascinated to think of my grandmom as a young girl hearing adults chat about the world famous horse races & the Depression. Crazy, right?!

Here's some crazy for you. In the time of Randy & Jai's grappling with cancer & what it was doing to their lives - we had to do it TWICE! My heart has told me a million times to write a memoire, but I constantly bully myself into thinking that no one would want to read it except those who already lived it. And I know that us childhood cancer mommas could do with reading entertainment that doesn't have to do with cancer. Am I right?! But here I am dazzled by a cancer care-giver memoire.

Just when I think - I'm going to do it. I'm going to try to sell my book idea. What's the harm? -well, then I step on a toad. Crazy stuff happens to me. I like to share it, I like to laugh about it & no matter what, something crazier will happen soon enough. I am afraid of putting yet another crazy thing into motion. We have enough crazy around here as it is.

If I...don't try...it won't happen. So here's to the year of giving it a go. If I can step on a toad/toads & they just hop away after getting the piss scared out of them (literally) - I can get stomped on a few more times too. Thank you Pausch family! A reality check.

*A Small Fortune*

What a day! It has been almost a year straight of Sunday breakfast. I am so proud of myself & seriously, I have had a great amount of fun with making breakfast every Sunday. I learned the secret to good bacon is...the OVEN! I will never make bacon on the stove again. No way! And I have discovered a deep, hidden love for a waffle iron. Oh my goodness! My favorite! We've had banana, chocolate chip, vanilla & the best of ALL, CINNAMON waffles. Awesome.

Today - although amazing - I took a vacation from Sunday breakfast. Cal was off on a mommy-free adventure & my dad was away for the weekend in his new camper. I went to Jake's Flea Market. Oh sweet perfection. All by my lonesome, looking for treasures. (I compromised my disguise for Jason & Pam - so nice to spend a little chat time!) I scored a little gift for Cal's daddy & 3 new Pampered Chef gadgets & gizmos for me. A couple books, a snow suit for the ever-growing Calvin &...just some major quiet time.

I like to challenge myself at flea markets. I wear my (that looks like Erin, but I am not sure that it is) disguise & take a bag. (Thirty-One of course!)  I have 2 limits. The cash in my hand & only what my bag can hold. It's so fun! 50 cents here, a dollar there & I'm retail therapied out by the end. Get a little exercise, fresh air & a good drive home. Check!

But then...there's always the errand list. I had the best baby shower gift idea for my friend today. She's committed to cloth diapers (good for you, but holy Christ - that would be a DISASTER in my house). I wanted to get her all the ingredients for laundering cloth diapers. I went to Target. That was my first mistake.

Argh! A few dresses (they were on clearance!), a pair of cowboy boots & only 1 of the 3 ingredients I wanted, I was hundreds of dollars poorer & well within my goals for gift giving. Ugh. Why does that store have so much that I want & never what I go in for?!

Incidentally, I truly wanted to gift the pending new baby girl a couple of Avery's treasures that she was never able to wear/use. Those gifts came from the heart! And I did pass along the baby OxiClean. Useful for cloth diapering or otherwise.

I dropped a small fortune (to me) at Target today. But...it was totally worth it. I had a wonderful day. I miss my little boy when he's away, but it is so important to have some time to think, to shop & to just be.

*Don't be Jealous*

In a supreme effort to avoid taking the trash out today, I restarted a 1/2 done project - my house. Many people hired, volunteered & forced have had a hand in renovating my Grandmom's house. Some things are beyond the normal DIY. For example - removing & replacing the entire electrical, plumbing & heating systems throughout the house. There is a huge list of things that I had no hand in. Lots of ShopVacing (I LOVE making up words!) & encouraging, but otherwise...I'm no good.

Well this past tame winter & super dry early summer, along with the help of my furry friends introduced a lovely case of fleas into our house. It has been an emotional experience for me. Initially I was super embarrassed, but Chloe's groomer quickly put me at ease. My parents both shared stories of a similar issue at their home when I was young. This was a GREAT comfort considering my momma is so good at a clean house that I swear the house cleans itself.

I, on the other hand spent many consecutive days, including my 32nd birthday, in tears. I am the most self-consciously horrible house-cleaner this side of the Mississippi. And if you have fleas - all you have to do is vacuum, launder & spray. Not good, but...the fleas are under control & I got my ass moving on some DIY.

Namely, the first floor. So - ultimately these floors will be refinished by John. He did a spectacular job on the 2nd & 3rd floors. If you have hardwood floors or if you want them - please hit up Weirman & Sons - I will forgive you for the delay. He does amazing work & is one of the best cousins EVA! Back to my revelation...I started to find the catharsis in cleaning through fleas. The 100 years of dirt & surely asbestos filled adhesive responds well to warm water & Dawn. I have hand-planed, used a razor scraper & a gazillion other things to try to scrape up the goo & water & Dawn. Sheesh. (By the way Dawn kills fleas too!).

I worked my way into the depths of the unused room today & also found the heat registers without their covers. I am proud to say that I grabbed some tool that looked like it would cut them, hacked them up & hung them all by myself!! Don't they look pretty?!

I'm super proud of myself as DIY for me is generally CYD/B/J (call your dad/brother/John). One of them is sure to squash my efforts with a "you should have...", but I don't care! (I do care, but I won't let them see it). My hands are filthy, but smell like Dawn (bonus!) & I have a few boo-boos from the metal hacking. I'm heading back inside to see how much more goo I can remove.

AND I TOOK THE TRASH OUT! Well, most of it.

*Take a Breath*

“The habit of being happy enables one to be freed, or largely freed, from the dominance of outward conditions.”
-Robert Louis Stevenson

I finished reading "The Happiness Project" today. While reading, I have signed up for every possible blog, club & list that the author provides. Through one of those subscriptions, an email arrived with this quote. Funny. I was just driven to blog about this topic. Instead of returning my library book today. I just might crack it open & start over. (I'm also still adding her suggested readings list to my GoodReads account).

I felt a bit of a rant coming on over some friends' facebook posts these last few days. It's back to school time & surely my anxiety level is acquiring some of the teacher jitters. But - with all of those jitters & all of the thoughts & emotional pain that travels through me each day, I often want to jump through the computer & scream PERSPECTIVE!!! Even more rattling, face to face conversation gives me this urge often too. There is certain strength in taking a breath & adhering to my own advice - but in a calmer tone. Perspective, Erin.

In some of the most stressful individual situations, I believe the easiest & most reprehensible act is to place BLAME on others. Most specifically to place blame on large groups, business, establishment or organizations. Unfortunately, it seems that this is an acceptable trend in our culture today.

For example - (I'm going to do my best to steer clear of all examples that set me off today. I love my friends & they need not be like me or be judged by me in order to be their best. Disclaimer over...well...maybe a few "similar" things that made me squirm.)
-A child does not do well in a school assignment- consequently the school sucks or the teacher doesn't know what she/he is doing.
-A doctor's appt is running late - that particular doctor is THE WORST.
-A store is out of a product. - The store never has ANYTHING!

I think you can catch my drift. (Hey! I did a good job at using non-examples.)

It takes particular strength to be understanding. Especially in a stressful situation. It is rewarding though. Rewarding enough to change this current culture of blame. Excuses are the pits.

Maybe this makes me seem like a push-over, but really - it makes me happy, content & feeling like a good person. It also provides an example for Calvin. I'm still striving to be the mom I wanted to be when Avery was born.

Ah! I can't resist!...Please do not feel defensive or the need to justify. I've stewed & I understand - these are stressful and necessary outbursts through others' perspectives. But often the backlash is hurtful to others.

-Teacher assignment letters - If your neighbor gets theirs & you don't get it until the next day. - Your school knows what they're doing. There are a gazillion letters to go out, they may have sent them all at once, but there may have been a postal employee on vacation, sick or dealing with an emergency. Maybe your letter was a bit delayed because there was a last minute move into the district or some other change. Really?! It is not life-changing, life-altering or awful. Practice patience & understanding. Explain that to your kid too. It's an opportunity for growth for both of you.

-Doctor's appointments & procedures can be late for many reasons. Not at all, in most cases, having to do with the poor performance of a medical team, but quite the opposite. Perhaps their services were needed emergently for another patient whose condition is worse than yours. Perhaps there was another preparation that they wished to make for your treatment. Maybe there was a personal issue requiring their attention. There are situations way worse than your own & if you were that much worse case, you would be appreciative of the extra attention. Explain this to yourself or to someone waiting with you. It's a powerful observation.

I do my best, day to day, not to pull the "if only my kid had the chance card..." & not here either. Really this is an epidemic of blame. I may have come to these conclusions & behaviors without 2 childhood cancer battles under my belt, but maybe I wouldn't have the confidence to communicate them. Be thankful for the little things you have because those little things could be HUGE to the person on the other side of the room. Who are you to take away what they have?