Guilt, Broke, Dark

Don't think for a moment that I don't spend time each day thinking about what I want to blog. Here's my latest conclusion that has been rolling around my scattered brain these past few weeks. Julia Roberts got to play the leading role in "Eat, Pray, Love". I, live the story of "Guilt, Broke, Dark". These are the 3 main...let's call them feelings...that make me shy away from the world.

I absolutely dread daylight savings. I try with all my might to fight, fight, fight against the darkness. It is just so darned HARD for me to function well in the dark. I enjoy the dawn, the sun & all that comes with warm, sunny days. Thunderstorms, sitting outside, playing outside, walking & the light makes me come alive.

I can give myself a little credit here. I am doing much much better this year than last. I am pretty sure that I just gave up the fight pretty early last year. I was falling asleep each night because I was stopping when the sun went down. That meant a string of many unproductive days. I still have a gazillion undone items on my to-do list, but before landing this evening - did bath, pjs, load of dishes, actually cooked Cal dinner & had a hilarious text conversation with friends. Throw in making a good mess with Play-doh & I'm feeling a little less guilty.

OH the guilt! I find many blog-avoiding excuses over the GUILT! I should be grading papers, I should finish reading my book, I should write something else, I should vacuum, I should try to sleep, I should list some things on eBay, I should make some calls to sell Thirty-One, I should do some crafts, I should call my mom, I should try to cry, I should watch a movie, I should fold some laundry, I should clean the bathrooms, I should organize my closet, I should pack up Cal's outgrown clothes, I should....just DO something!

I find myself wallowing with guilt even more intensely when I worry over money. Money truly can't buy happiness, I know that, but having some is pretty great. Since my last post, we've had some big expenditures around here. I had to break down & buy a car. Holy stress. It is a wonderful addition to our lives to have a car with heat. Cal & I are enjoying that greatly. The payments are a different story. Thank goodness for my parents for helping me to buy that Wrangler back in 2000 that brought me this far & also to my dad for his 1996 Explorer for chugging me along this past year. Please let this car last as long as those 2. I could have done without any more major purchases until...well, forever after buying the car. Cash reserve is not a luxury this girl has had in a LONG time. Oh, those were the days!

Then, I took Cal to the dentist with a toothache. Poor little bugger. A few appts at the dentist & some dental work under general anesthesia (thank you Grand View Hospital, you took great care of us) & I've discovered that broke is forever. That is a little dramatic. Again with the "we've come a long way"...but it is true. I get myself all caught up in worrying about everything in the moment, but it will all come around & work out.

So I will ignore all of those blissful shopping stories from Black Friday & the reveling in Cyber Monday deals. We have a home, a car with heat & a pain-free kid. That's so much.

There's no need to shy away when things go Guilt, Broke, Dark.