*Awesome*

OK. I have a serious issue with sarcasm. I use it well & often. In the teachers' handbook for my student teaching assignment back in the dark ages of 2001, there was actually a "rule" saying that teachers would not use sarcasm in the classroom. - I had a slight panic attack & then continued my journey. I break rules all of the time. I generally just don't like being told what to do. Sarcasm is part of my personality (& pretty much what allows me to be a high school teacher - all of my favorite (arguably BEST) teachers were sarcastic.)

My go to sarcastic phrase is simple - "Awesome." Some examples -

*Calvin - Mommy, me pooped in the yard (this truly happened last year. Judge if you must)
Me - Awesome.

*Daily comment from co-worker - Erin, you just spilled coffee on your shirt
Me - Awesome

*Me arriving for a long-awaited kid-free shopping trip without my wallet. "Awesome"

*The student comment section to this example chart would be too extensive for blogging - I will save that for a book deal some time in the future. And I could get fired for using such examples here....awesome.

This word has been haunting me today. In an effort to be a proud onco mommy, I was embarking on a tedious project to raise awareness for Childhood Cancer. (sarcastic). Ok, I was thinking of changing my profile picture to a picture of Nolan since Avery was my profile picture yesterday. I was on the iPad & like the AWESOME person that I am, I do not have a picture of Nolan on that glorious device (not sarcastic, I freaking LOVE that thing!) to upload as my profile pic. Unlike other mommas, I can just google my kids & download a picture to use. Of course THE video came up on the search &...I watched it. Awesome. (sarcastic)

So it's 7 a.m.-ish & all of the healthy people of the Perkiomen Valley are jogging/walking/biking by as I sit on the back porch & cry. Sweet. (My second favorite sarcastic spasm.) Calvin was loving the part with him & Nolan moving around. **Calvin, please don't ask to watch it again** Phew! Why should I cry alone? Instead of changing my profile picture today, I'll share THE VIDEO (this is said with a deep, scratchy, scary voice) as my Childhood Cancer Awareness outreach today, 9/2. I have a bad habit of assuming everyone knows the tale of Momma Gloom. So...those who know-won't watch & those who don't-will know soon enough. I should have looked at the YouTube hit count this morning.

That sucker got shared all over the place today. Rah Childhood Cancer Awareness! Go Avery & Nolan. Oh! And everyone is telling me how awesome I am. Awesome. (sarcastic, remember?)

When it comes down to it, I'm no more awesome than the next girl. I try to be amazing & a bit of a rule breaker because it is super fun, challenging & a little rebelious. I don't like it when people tell me what to do so I like to make my own way. Unlike student teaching, there's no written rule that says that a mom with 2 dead kids can't be fun, but there are some unwritten rules & misconceptions out there that I like to rebel against. I like to have fun, I like to help others, I like having friends, I like meeting new people & I like going places & doing stuff. Look at me! I'm just like everyone else! (So much for rebellion.) But the unwritten rule is that I would be best suited for a life-long sentence of staring at the wall. Not THIS momma! No way. I have things to do & coffee to spill.

I appreciate all of the kind words that are sent my way. My close friends are reminding me that they love me (thank you. I love you more!), friends of my close friends are reminding me that they love me because their friend loves me & some people I don't know & I will not try to figure out their motives. Let's just assume that they are sane & well-intentioned (please do not reignite the stalker, please do not reignite the stalker, please do not reignite the stalker). Today I am even more thankful for my "you are awesome" messages. First, my friend, Cat, provided this -

Bahahaha! This I love. I didn't ask for this awesome. I caught it from my kids. It's hard to explain.

And then, some less than empathetic comments emerged about THE VIDEO (remember to make the voice!). Conclusion. I would rather be uncomfortable in owning my Awesome diagnosis (see above) than having my kids' lives & my life described as "brutal". THE VIDEO isn't brutal. It made you cry. I am very sorry. Really, I don't enjoy making myself, my family, my friends or strangers cry. THE VIDEO is beautiful. It shows my AWESOME kids & people who love them. It's a true story & it's our story & if that diagnoses me with Awesome or infected with Awesome or A.W.E.S.O.M.E. + (did you get that?! Pretty funny, right?!), so be it.


***Nerd Alert! - In an effort to overuse Awesome today & get more comfortable with accepting it - I did a Pinterest search of "Awesome". Do it! It was fun.**

Birthday parties...they're not just for the kids

Calvin's last birthday bash was when he turned 1. I think at that point, our family was just so relieved to have a surviving child who was well that we were all holding our collective breath throughout the following year - watching Calvin for signs of lethargy, bruising or bleeding. These are symptoms of leukemia, but in reality - they're also all part of having a little, growing boy.

This year, Calvin turned 4. His birthday party was a celebration of many things. I've already mentioned in a previous post that his reaching 4 without a cancer diagnosis is statistically significant. That can't be overlooked, for sure. But we also celebrated a kid, who developmentally has made leaps & bounds this past year. His words were late to be spoken, but he's at no loss for them now. He's a potty professional without any accidents. Which completely baffles me. I can only explain that he is a bit stubborn like me. He didn't want to try the potty thing until he was sure he had it all figured out. Same seems to be the same with socializing. He still battles shyness, but when he's confident with something or familiar with someone, he can play & participate now. Not so much at the beginning of the year when he was so painfully shy. Everyone enjoyed watching him interact with kids at his party. Here he is making the best of MiMi's special Glycerin bubbles at his party. (Thank you Christine for the photo...my brother's photos WILL be pried from his perfectionist grasp so we can all have some more great shots of our kids from Saturday).

Our family has much to celebrate all together too. We celebrate 1 year in our home. We've progressed from sleeping in the living room, all together like we grew so accustomed to doing while living at CHOP. Of course, tonight, Calvin wants to sleep downstairs on the couch. Little stinker. He has slept in his own room a few times, but we're both happy to share my room as our own. My dad makes fun of me for my bed filling my entire bedroom, but sharing a bigger bed is worth the lack of extra space. How do kids' elbows & feet have such sharp points?

We've grown, socially, by branching out our circle of friends & participating more. I know I spend a lot of time feeling like the touch of death. It takes a lot of courage to expose our hearts. Any gathering can be emotional. We see healthy families, sibling groups, parents calling their children by our missing kiddos' names, expecting parents & THE WORST-the seemingly ungrateful or less than warm parents. My stomach twists almost every moment of the day when I'm not within the walls of our house. There are reminders everywhere of what could have been, what we're missing & what we have to fight through just to get out of bed each day.

What we've lost DOES make us more grateful for each moment. We live a life with much different priorities & perceptions than others. We overlook details as we're caught up in controlling emotions & redirecting sadness into determination.

Birthday parties are not just for the kids. In addition to the adult beverages (what's a birthday party without some beverages?..somehow I have 1 in my hand & put it down so many times that by the time I find it a million times, it takes me all day to finish it.) birthday parties are an excuse to PLAY! Beanbag toss, bubbles, washers, duck pond - we had a blast. Like Calvin not knowing which toy to play with first, there were so many friends & family attending that I did not get a chance to visit with everyone as much as I would hope. I can only hope that every single kid & big kid had as much fun as we did - celebrating every single connection we still have or have made in FOUR years.

Being part of our world is not for the weak. It takes guts to be part of our world. THANK YOU for being there & sticking it out for the love of Calvin. We had a wonderful day celebrating EVERYTHING.

Lady in the Sunflowers

First of all - My toad friend is back on the porch this evening. I didn't step on him today...yet. But the Jack Russell is giving him a hard time. Resilient little thing.

As I was leaving to attend a Thirty-One meeting this evening, I noticed a car on the pull-off in front of the egg shed. The car was facing the wrong way (against traffic) & there was no one in the car. Hmph. I had to investigate & found a lovely woman among the sunflowers.

Like many of the people who we find wandering the property, she fondly recounted my Grandmom. But still - some people have the decency to knock on the door & let us know what they're up to. It can be a slight inconvenience, but it seems like the right thing to do. I can't imagine walking around someone's yard without checking in. And the excuse of "I didn't think anyone was living here" doesn't really cut it considering the toys strewn about & car in the drive. Silly.

She was taking photos of the sunflowers & promised to give me some of the photos. I won't hold my breath, but I was able to let her know the story of our sunflowers. So, maybe she will drop off some prints. It sounds like I modeled my Grandmother's behavior well. This photographer let me know that Grandmom would walk with her as she took photos & tell her about all of us grandkids. Oh Grandmom. Our visitor also fondly recounted the days of the roadstand that my Uncle Will had here at the house.

I miss those days too. My first taste for sales & how interesting people could be. A way to begin getting over my tendency to be shy & the ability to do quick math & make change. I ate peaches right from the tree, tomatoes like apples, all varieties of watermelon & just this night - some late, fresh asparagus. We have a whole row ready to pick.

Strange that one could have so much in common with a complete stranger. Fond memories, connection to the same sunflower field for different reasons, common memories. Makes you wonder why it is so difficult for people to get along.

All Kinds of Brave

There are days that for some reason I just can't seem to keep track of the seconds or pull anything together to make any sense. Today was one of those days. I know I did stuff, but when, how, why? No clue. And then I just have to wonder, when was the last day I had it all together? I can't really remember.

This is part of my reason for setting a goal to blog every day. I want so badly to have structure in my life. I can't really say "again" because I have always been a mess. Messy room, messy schoolbag, messy locker. I'm starting with the blog because back when I was blogging when the kiddos were sick, I had to at least process the day & reflect, remember & filter what I was doing & what I did. Perhaps that's why I haven't blogged. I just tread water every day & say thanks that I made it through another day without drowning. I like big ideas. Today was small thoughts & tasks.

I was definitely under water for most of the day today. Calvin went off with his dad for the evening & I had put off the grocery store all day. When they left, I KNEW I had to go, but it was torture DRAGGING myself to the car. Argh! So freaking frustrating!!!!

I also make promises to myself through Facebook. If I tell someone (or everyone) that I am going to do something, then I am most likely to get it done. I promised to take pictures of the sunflowers today & I did it. In order to do so, I am most proud that it required me to charge my camera & worst of all-find the memory cards. Blargh. They were exactly where I thought they were. I just refused to look there first & be let down. Oh crazies!

I found my memory cards & now I have spent my "free" time without Cal - (in all sensical patterns of time, I SHOULD be devouring all food that I just purchased at the grocery store) - watching videos of Avery & staring at her.

That's where I was all day. Missing having my little girl. I remember now that it started last night. There are just these odd moments where things rush through you. All of a sudden during a ride up the road, I was rushed by this immediate urge - "I just want her back". Flashback city from then on. I just wanted more & more pictures & videos tonight. It's been awhile since I sat & watched. (Maybe if I knew where the memory cards were?!).

I tread water a lot. I am scattered with my things & thoughts & actions. I'm almost silent one day & I'm hilarious & chatty the next. I don't know where I am going, what I am doing & I have lots of plans, but rarely follow through as well as I plan to or want to.

Sometimes it is tough to face reality. In fact. It's often really tough. I can be brave in many ways, but really I just want to crawl away somewhere & hide. So I have to keep putting myself out there to keep myself in check. Keep myself grounded. Do things for others. Think BIG thoughts.

I took some solo time to snap some truly amateur pictures of the sunflowers today. I know that they're not perfect pictures, but it was really fun. I looked at the plants a little closer & thought about how everyone else would react to the pictures. Sunflowers are so cheery & bright. They're a natural mood-lifter. I took a picture of myself with one of the blooms & was shocked to see the smile on my face when I checked it out. When I took it, I thought about how silly it was to be snuggling a sunflower & taking a picture of myself. There were people running by for crying out loud?!

But that's me. I do silly things to make a day brighter. I make the best of things, even if that means having a day of small ideas & mentally being light years away. I smack a smile on my face & see where the next moment takes me. All of the floating & spacey moments today led me to the computer to watch Miss Avery do her booty dance. They led me to post that picture of me with the sunflower (& NO MAKE-UP!). I might really want structure or maybe I just want to make sure that I am making note of all the different kinds of brave that make up a day.

*It's most definitely the little things!*

For about 6 years, I've carried a certain amount of guilt around about (of all things!) taking my kids to the library. My heart still swells with memories of going to the library with my mom & brother when we were young. Well, Cal & I FINALLY accomplished a visit to the PV public library this summer. Yay us!

Pathetic, isn't it? A simple trip to a free place & it takes me 3 kids & almost 4 years to introduce one of them to the wonderment. What I describe as guilt is most likely more ANXIETY. There's that ugly, inner beast coming to the surface again. I'm not ashamed of my extreme anxiety. But perhaps it could be blamed for much more than I care to admit. Even now as I lament on the possible reasons for avoiding the awesomeness of the library for so long, my heart is POUNDING quad-latte style.

Kid 1 - Cancer. All I can think of when daydreaming about taking Avery to the library is all the snotty kids wiping their boogie laden hands all over everything! No way was I going to take her in there & risk her life to other kids' snot. How could Avery truly enjoy all there was to offer without crawling on a kid-sized chair & paging through books. Not cool & not fair. And OMG! All I could think was that she'd sign out a book & she'd die before it was due. So no library for Kid 1.

Twins - Well, Nolan's short little, sweet life did not allow for library visits. While we were still all home together, there really isn't a reason to explain why I didn't take 3 month old twins to the library. Really, I didn't take them anywhere without a family-sized dose of holders, changers, feeders & the promise of alcohol. (And my heart goes THUMP THUMP THUMP!-Is it too early for wine?)

Calvin- Mr. Shy Guy. No way would he do the library before this summer! He was so absurdly paralyzed by the fear of kids before July. His reaction to other kids just amplified my already ridiculous level of anxiety. My only child that really isn't an only child is afraid of kids. Ugh. Not fair. But we got there & Calvin LOVED IT! He was already pre-programmed to do make the best of the library. He scanned the books, picked one up, sat on a cushion, patted the spot beside him for me to sit & we just lounged & read, replaced, picked another & read until we found the perfect one to sign out. He gave the librarian his card, we said "thank you" & we were heading home. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! I wonder how many times I explained the library to him over the past 4 years? Good GOD I LOVE the library.

My first trip yielded the "manual" from Compassionate Friends. It is a compilation of poems, stories, letters & musings all written by grieving parents. I wasn't looking for it. It kind of found me. (Let's remember I have a 3 year-old with me as I am browsing - that freakin' book FOUND me.) I didn't read all of it, but enough to get me MOTIVATED! I spend a good amount of time feeling lost & just plain weird. It isn't really possible for me to have a "normal" adult conversation anymore. I cast certain thoughts & accomplishments with an elevated sense of celebration. I showered today! I did my hair! I only cried about 10 things! I brushed my teeth! I fed my kid! I got out of bed! Oh the comfort those few pages I read gave me. I was doing just fine & I'm not as weird as I thought. (Shush, you!) I'm always telling others who have lost a child that they are not alone. I should really listen to my own advice.

So trip number 2 (sans Calvin - sorry kid, you snooze, you lose) I returned our books & spent a good amount of time browsing. Damned if I couldn't find the grief section again. It magically appeared that first day, I swear. OK, sign taken, no dead kid books for me this trip. I have recently been active on GoodReads. It is a social network for readers where you can record the books you have read & see what your friends have read & are reading. Jodi Picoult kept popping up & reminding me that I love her stories. Full of research &...a lot of DEAD KIDS. DAMN! I finally settled on "House Rules" & then another book found me. "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin.

"House Rules" was great. I'm such an empathetic person so I had to put it down a few times to recover my chi. Just one set of grieving parents & their dead daughter. Unavoidable. Oh well. I survived & swallowed my anxious "yes, Erin, your life is more horrible than most fictional novels" repeated realization. Ugh. Jodi Picoult-I still love your writing. I just have to pace myself. Not your problem, mine.

But now I am elbow deep in "The Happiness Project" & I am having a wonderful time just diving in & letting inspiration lift me up. I love her research-based academic approach to writing about personal stuff. And although this post uncovers some of my doom & gloom thoughts & personal pity parties, I really want to be a happy person. I can like myself more when I am happy & it is contagious. I'd rather have happier peeps around me than dragging everyone down. So - I have so much to say about this book. It will undoubtedly pop up again in blog. At least then I can start giving my dad a break. I may have started at least 10 conversations yesterday with "so I'm reading this book....".

So...I'm reading this book & I've decided to follow some suggestions I have perceived from its pages. I am only page 81. Here's 1. I am aiming to blog every day for a year. Here' to day 2 of 365. 363 more in a row. No problem. Ha! (I have an issue with following through).

Sunday breakfast

For many months now, I have been hosting Sunday breakfast at our home. We purchased & are renovating my Grandmother's home in hopes of hosting a social "club" for grieving families. Sunday breakfast is my version of practice. There is still work to be done on the house (especially the first floor) & it is a metaphor for the work that is to be done in the journey of grief for families as well.

This morning we enjoyed oven pancakes & waffles with a side of donuts, fruit & bacon. I thoroughly enjoy cooking. I just wish I had the same motivation for other endeavours...like schedules.

I am a terrible planner. I have a gazillion ideas & no real way of getting it done! It's a terrible life to live. But...it is also a wonderful way to live. I have always been a mess. My father actually calls me "Erin the Mess". If I have a drink, I spill it. If I do laundry, it ends up on the floor. If I have an idea, it gets moved to the back burner.

In many thanks to my children, I have come to live in the moment. I enjoy each moment, reflect on each moment & look forward to whatever life brings my way. My life has not been & never will be easy. We are a grieving family. We lived second by second through cancer battles with 2 of our children. Their legacy to us is a life full of kisses & hugs, last minute plans & living in the moment. It's a battle to live in the moment & to also keep the spinning & spiraling feeling at bay.

So...Sunday breakfast is an idea that I have kept up with. Keeping a schedule, if it is only for Sunday, is a goal of mine. In order to acheive a goal, I have to make it heard. So here it is. A blog. A blog of the accomplishments I make - great or small. The Momma Motivator!

This will be a different approach for me. No more announcing ideas, just showing off the finished product. My heart is racing right now at the thought of failing. I am great at creating ideas, but not so much at following through. I am putting myself on the line right now (even if it is just to me!). I want to slow down the spinning & add some more beauty to our home. Momma Motivator, do your magic.