One Fish, Two Fish...

Calvin & I read "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" tonight as our bedtime story. I say we because he's getting really good at looking at the pictures & filling in the blanks when I hesitate. It is so cool to experience his learning. I love learning & I know now that this is the reason I have followed the path to be a professional educator. I love to learn & I love learning about learning.

I think this explains why I have such a grief struggle every year at back to school time. What a wonderful time for kids & parents. Back to school! Listening to & experiencing the growth & learning of children is magical. Learning never ends, but there is something special about school. Especially elementary school kids. I would never choose to be an elementary teacher, I have a tortured soul who enjoys spending time with hundreds of teenagers 10 months out of the year. But elementary kids are just awesome. If you've never seen a little kid with a backpack bigger than they are running off the bus in the afternoon towards their mom, dad or grandparent...you're missing out on one of the pure wonders of the world. It has to be the cutest thing EVER.

I saw so many back to school messages from friends over the past week. Today, there was one photo shared by a friend of her little girl - off to 1st grade. I plummeted. The tears started. And then the flashbacks. Or maybe the flashbacks & then the tears. One never knows. Avery (chronologically) would have had her first day of 1st grade today.

Even when your child is gone, some dreams for them continue. I still hold a deep hope that she would love school as much as I did & experience great success. So it kills me at this time of the year that she didn't get to experience many firsts that I dream of. I think jealousy is an emotion that is often downplayed. It is strong! I feel it & it is a tough one to wrestle. I'm thankful for all I have. I hope that everyone who knows me values this about me. I just can't help wanting to buy cute outfits for my little girl, stock her up with the coolest school supplies & get pictures of her climbing on the bus for school.

There are dreams that still linger, although impossible - Cal & I read "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish - This book belongs to Avery Megonigal. But she died. Yes Calvin, she died, but we still love her very much. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Black Fish, Blue Fish, Old Fish, New fish..."

There's one thing that all 3 of my kids learned quickly. Love. That dream never ends.