Something missing

Today is such a rough date. I'm sitting up (attempting to convince myself I am continuing to grade assignments into the wee hours) & I'm spinning. Today is about missing my baby girl. Of course, really, in all honesty - every moment is about missing her. These dates are more about having no choice but to be aware of every second that ticks by. I was in the clouds today. Detached & just twirling through life in slow motion.

I can remember so vividly how every moment used to feel like this. It must have been years of gliding through moments just trying to keep my head above water. Trying not to drown in fear & exhaustion. For all of the anxiety & how loud my heart seemed to thump while the kids were sick - it was all in slow motion. Just look at those 2 lounging...I would love to crawl up on that couch & snuggle in with them.

I shocked myself today though. I had the weirdest realization. I was being productive - actually getting some work done on a Sunday. I kept backing away from my computer & thinking I needed something. Coffee? Food? Chocolate? But nothing was jumping into my head & sticking. I couldn't figure out what was going on. The fogginess was all around me & then it suddenly cleared. "Something's missing". I almost said it out loud.

That's totally, 100% it! Having a child die is just that. A million slow seconds of uncertainty. An unrest, a weird feeling that doesn't shake. There's something missing.

I want to thank my brother for kidnapping Cal & I for a fishing trip out on the river today. I love my mom for totally cracking me up yesterday & letting me chatter to her while my nerves got the best of me - sometimes I'm just not sure I'll survive another "date".  My dad admitting he had Avery Day symptoms today allowed me to acknowledge my own foggy shuffle this weekend. And poor Cal - I'm sorry you had to act out a bit today. I know. You were trying to snap me back to you. I promise today won't pull me under.

It was happening right now - 5 years ago exactly. It feels like now. I wish it was now. It's harder 5 years later. Because I had a little girl 5 years ago...and while the seconds tick & my heart thumps & the tears fall...5 years ago - you were gone.

There will always be something missing. I really miss that part of me that was a mom to the best little girl. A mom to a girl is different than a mom to a little boy. And a mom to a little boy is different than a mom to twin boys. I love them all so much, but in such different ways. I just wish I was able to learn how to love them all together.

Avery Elise 5/25/06-right now 2007