Balancing Act

We had a sad day in our house today. Calvin, who rarely cries anymore at 4, was a blubbering mess today. I had to reflect a bit on our Spring & Summer. It has been particularly rough. We've seen worse, but it doesn't take away from the sting of here & now for Calvin. We've also had some amazingly positive memories. Like adding this little Bolt to our family.

In the Spring, my Grandmom Weirman died. I can now, more times than not, talk about Avery & Nolan's passing without tears spilling over. But even now thinking about the world without my Grandmom makes the tears roll. I've written about her often & I struggle to find words worthy of her contribution to my life. There's not a day that I don't think about her. I am comforted by every memory I have of her here in her house. For the most part, Calvin was shielded from this loss, but of course, not completely. He still informs me each time we pass the Colonnade (now Greenfield, I think) that "that where Grandmom is" & we have a little conversation. I have not taken him to her grave yet. I can't hold it together enough when I am there yet. Soon we will visit together & have a new conversation about burials. We have Nolan & Avery at our house. This will be new for him.

Cal's life is influenced constantly by living his life with grieving parents. His Spring & Summer has also been influenced by our grieving as a family for our Grandmom. She was 90 when the boys were born. I tried to make her promise me in 2002 that she would live until she was 120. She would not promise me, in fact she made her "you've got to be kidding me? No way" face. Her health declined rapidly over Cal's 3+ years, but we still have memories to share & hold.

That was death reminder & reality number 1 this Spring. Recently, we had to put our Black Lab down. Again with the tears! Boone was a pain in the butt Lab, but a big part of my life for the past 10 years. And my family's life too. Calvin loves animals & although Boone only came back to live with us this past February from a cushy stay with my brother, Kristy & the boys, he was a big part of Cal's every day. Cal learned about diabetis & watched me/reminded me to give him his twice daily injections. He also watched his health restore & then deteriorate again. He experienced a lengthy seizure & many conversations about his pending death.

It has not been long, but Cal still talks about Boone every day. He continues to remind me that he wanted Boone to die at "me house", but mommy didn't have the right medicine for him. We don't talk Heaven in our house. So instead we have very factual conversations about medicine & Boone's heart stopping. I am certainly going to be the hated Kindergarten parent. I can just imagine the voicemails in will surely receive. Or perhaps Children & Youth referrals because Calvin has told kids & teachers that his mommy keeps his brother & sister on a shelf in her room.

All of this loss this Spring & Summer surely attributed to the meltdowns today. But the trigger - his daddy sold his truck. A truck that he has taken maybe 5 rides in over the past 2 months. Oh Calvin. You're so sensitive, but so wise beyond your years. So today, we mourn the loss of one small silver pick-up. You were a good truck. We enjoyed our time with you. We know you're in a better home with an owner who can use you for pick-up worthy tasks.

And before my father chimes in - I too had a major meltdown when he sold our family pick-up truck. In fact, I can still well up thinking about it or if I see a picture. Drama!

In all, we've done a great job of balancing our good with our not so good. We laugh through the tears & dance in the rain. It's all we can do.