*It's most definitely the little things!*

For about 6 years, I've carried a certain amount of guilt around about (of all things!) taking my kids to the library. My heart still swells with memories of going to the library with my mom & brother when we were young. Well, Cal & I FINALLY accomplished a visit to the PV public library this summer. Yay us!

Pathetic, isn't it? A simple trip to a free place & it takes me 3 kids & almost 4 years to introduce one of them to the wonderment. What I describe as guilt is most likely more ANXIETY. There's that ugly, inner beast coming to the surface again. I'm not ashamed of my extreme anxiety. But perhaps it could be blamed for much more than I care to admit. Even now as I lament on the possible reasons for avoiding the awesomeness of the library for so long, my heart is POUNDING quad-latte style.

Kid 1 - Cancer. All I can think of when daydreaming about taking Avery to the library is all the snotty kids wiping their boogie laden hands all over everything! No way was I going to take her in there & risk her life to other kids' snot. How could Avery truly enjoy all there was to offer without crawling on a kid-sized chair & paging through books. Not cool & not fair. And OMG! All I could think was that she'd sign out a book & she'd die before it was due. So no library for Kid 1.

Twins - Well, Nolan's short little, sweet life did not allow for library visits. While we were still all home together, there really isn't a reason to explain why I didn't take 3 month old twins to the library. Really, I didn't take them anywhere without a family-sized dose of holders, changers, feeders & the promise of alcohol. (And my heart goes THUMP THUMP THUMP!-Is it too early for wine?)

Calvin- Mr. Shy Guy. No way would he do the library before this summer! He was so absurdly paralyzed by the fear of kids before July. His reaction to other kids just amplified my already ridiculous level of anxiety. My only child that really isn't an only child is afraid of kids. Ugh. Not fair. But we got there & Calvin LOVED IT! He was already pre-programmed to do make the best of the library. He scanned the books, picked one up, sat on a cushion, patted the spot beside him for me to sit & we just lounged & read, replaced, picked another & read until we found the perfect one to sign out. He gave the librarian his card, we said "thank you" & we were heading home. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! I wonder how many times I explained the library to him over the past 4 years? Good GOD I LOVE the library.

My first trip yielded the "manual" from Compassionate Friends. It is a compilation of poems, stories, letters & musings all written by grieving parents. I wasn't looking for it. It kind of found me. (Let's remember I have a 3 year-old with me as I am browsing - that freakin' book FOUND me.) I didn't read all of it, but enough to get me MOTIVATED! I spend a good amount of time feeling lost & just plain weird. It isn't really possible for me to have a "normal" adult conversation anymore. I cast certain thoughts & accomplishments with an elevated sense of celebration. I showered today! I did my hair! I only cried about 10 things! I brushed my teeth! I fed my kid! I got out of bed! Oh the comfort those few pages I read gave me. I was doing just fine & I'm not as weird as I thought. (Shush, you!) I'm always telling others who have lost a child that they are not alone. I should really listen to my own advice.

So trip number 2 (sans Calvin - sorry kid, you snooze, you lose) I returned our books & spent a good amount of time browsing. Damned if I couldn't find the grief section again. It magically appeared that first day, I swear. OK, sign taken, no dead kid books for me this trip. I have recently been active on GoodReads. It is a social network for readers where you can record the books you have read & see what your friends have read & are reading. Jodi Picoult kept popping up & reminding me that I love her stories. Full of research &...a lot of DEAD KIDS. DAMN! I finally settled on "House Rules" & then another book found me. "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin.

"House Rules" was great. I'm such an empathetic person so I had to put it down a few times to recover my chi. Just one set of grieving parents & their dead daughter. Unavoidable. Oh well. I survived & swallowed my anxious "yes, Erin, your life is more horrible than most fictional novels" repeated realization. Ugh. Jodi Picoult-I still love your writing. I just have to pace myself. Not your problem, mine.

But now I am elbow deep in "The Happiness Project" & I am having a wonderful time just diving in & letting inspiration lift me up. I love her research-based academic approach to writing about personal stuff. And although this post uncovers some of my doom & gloom thoughts & personal pity parties, I really want to be a happy person. I can like myself more when I am happy & it is contagious. I'd rather have happier peeps around me than dragging everyone down. So - I have so much to say about this book. It will undoubtedly pop up again in blog. At least then I can start giving my dad a break. I may have started at least 10 conversations yesterday with "so I'm reading this book....".

So...I'm reading this book & I've decided to follow some suggestions I have perceived from its pages. I am only page 81. Here's 1. I am aiming to blog every day for a year. Here' to day 2 of 365. 363 more in a row. No problem. Ha! (I have an issue with following through).