All Kinds of Brave

There are days that for some reason I just can't seem to keep track of the seconds or pull anything together to make any sense. Today was one of those days. I know I did stuff, but when, how, why? No clue. And then I just have to wonder, when was the last day I had it all together? I can't really remember.

This is part of my reason for setting a goal to blog every day. I want so badly to have structure in my life. I can't really say "again" because I have always been a mess. Messy room, messy schoolbag, messy locker. I'm starting with the blog because back when I was blogging when the kiddos were sick, I had to at least process the day & reflect, remember & filter what I was doing & what I did. Perhaps that's why I haven't blogged. I just tread water every day & say thanks that I made it through another day without drowning. I like big ideas. Today was small thoughts & tasks.

I was definitely under water for most of the day today. Calvin went off with his dad for the evening & I had put off the grocery store all day. When they left, I KNEW I had to go, but it was torture DRAGGING myself to the car. Argh! So freaking frustrating!!!!

I also make promises to myself through Facebook. If I tell someone (or everyone) that I am going to do something, then I am most likely to get it done. I promised to take pictures of the sunflowers today & I did it. In order to do so, I am most proud that it required me to charge my camera & worst of all-find the memory cards. Blargh. They were exactly where I thought they were. I just refused to look there first & be let down. Oh crazies!

I found my memory cards & now I have spent my "free" time without Cal - (in all sensical patterns of time, I SHOULD be devouring all food that I just purchased at the grocery store) - watching videos of Avery & staring at her.

That's where I was all day. Missing having my little girl. I remember now that it started last night. There are just these odd moments where things rush through you. All of a sudden during a ride up the road, I was rushed by this immediate urge - "I just want her back". Flashback city from then on. I just wanted more & more pictures & videos tonight. It's been awhile since I sat & watched. (Maybe if I knew where the memory cards were?!).

I tread water a lot. I am scattered with my things & thoughts & actions. I'm almost silent one day & I'm hilarious & chatty the next. I don't know where I am going, what I am doing & I have lots of plans, but rarely follow through as well as I plan to or want to.

Sometimes it is tough to face reality. In fact. It's often really tough. I can be brave in many ways, but really I just want to crawl away somewhere & hide. So I have to keep putting myself out there to keep myself in check. Keep myself grounded. Do things for others. Think BIG thoughts.

I took some solo time to snap some truly amateur pictures of the sunflowers today. I know that they're not perfect pictures, but it was really fun. I looked at the plants a little closer & thought about how everyone else would react to the pictures. Sunflowers are so cheery & bright. They're a natural mood-lifter. I took a picture of myself with one of the blooms & was shocked to see the smile on my face when I checked it out. When I took it, I thought about how silly it was to be snuggling a sunflower & taking a picture of myself. There were people running by for crying out loud?!

But that's me. I do silly things to make a day brighter. I make the best of things, even if that means having a day of small ideas & mentally being light years away. I smack a smile on my face & see where the next moment takes me. All of the floating & spacey moments today led me to the computer to watch Miss Avery do her booty dance. They led me to post that picture of me with the sunflower (& NO MAKE-UP!). I might really want structure or maybe I just want to make sure that I am making note of all the different kinds of brave that make up a day.