September is...

Did you know that September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month? Gold Ribbon.

There can be quite a bit of controversy during September. This can be a delicate topic, so I will - as I feel appropriate - tread lightly. Can you help all of the families who have faced, are facing or will face childhood cancer to spread awareness this month? Share Avery & Nolan's story, share what you know about my story, spread the word! All cancers are not funded equally. September is the month for GOLD ribbons.

Today I spent a glorious summer day with a wonderful family. To those who choose to contend that childhood cancer is rare. I say PHOOEY! You can use my freaky family stats or you can take a good look at my friends list or you can spend a day at the beach with 2 moms who lost 2 Averys within a year of each other. You know (and I have to hold my breath as I type this) that there is a family right this second finding out that their child has cancer? Out of no fault or reason or known cause. It was me, twice. It could be anyone. One in 300 boys & one in 333 girls will develop cancer before their 20th birthday.

For all of the sadness that cancer has brought into my days, I have wonderful friends that I would never know would it not be for our children's cancer diagnoses. Amazing memories were made today. A day at the beach with football, funny faces & rides. In reality, this is just the 3rd time we've been together. Some of the kids just met each other this morning, but we just go together like peas & carrots.

Onco moms can fall in friendship with each other so quickly because we speak a secret language & we live in a way that is different than everyone else. Certain things don't seem so important anymore, some things drive us all crazy & we have a sense of humor that is one of a kind. We check in on each other casually & often. But the unique gift we have is that we love each others' kids like our own.

When we're on the beach together, you can feel a forcefield around us & our kids. We're an amoeba of care & fun. We all just fit together so naturally. I have described my broken heart before in that a broken heart & love have a similar feeling. Maybe our broken hearts make more room for more love?

With all the broken pieces of my heart - I LOVE my onco mom friends & in the spirit of awareness tonight - let's see how full our momma hearts are - We love our Avery & Nolan and we love like our own - Avery, Jacob, Tara, Mackenzie, Josh, Jess, Jordyn, Luke, Andrew, Jaden, Victoria, Dante, Nick, Trey, Luca, Kayla, Kiara, Elizabeth, Gabby, Mary, Kyle, Gia...

...my cup overflowith...

One Fish, Two Fish...

Calvin & I read "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" tonight as our bedtime story. I say we because he's getting really good at looking at the pictures & filling in the blanks when I hesitate. It is so cool to experience his learning. I love learning & I know now that this is the reason I have followed the path to be a professional educator. I love to learn & I love learning about learning.

I think this explains why I have such a grief struggle every year at back to school time. What a wonderful time for kids & parents. Back to school! Listening to & experiencing the growth & learning of children is magical. Learning never ends, but there is something special about school. Especially elementary school kids. I would never choose to be an elementary teacher, I have a tortured soul who enjoys spending time with hundreds of teenagers 10 months out of the year. But elementary kids are just awesome. If you've never seen a little kid with a backpack bigger than they are running off the bus in the afternoon towards their mom, dad or grandparent...you're missing out on one of the pure wonders of the world. It has to be the cutest thing EVER.

I saw so many back to school messages from friends over the past week. Today, there was one photo shared by a friend of her little girl - off to 1st grade. I plummeted. The tears started. And then the flashbacks. Or maybe the flashbacks & then the tears. One never knows. Avery (chronologically) would have had her first day of 1st grade today.

Even when your child is gone, some dreams for them continue. I still hold a deep hope that she would love school as much as I did & experience great success. So it kills me at this time of the year that she didn't get to experience many firsts that I dream of. I think jealousy is an emotion that is often downplayed. It is strong! I feel it & it is a tough one to wrestle. I'm thankful for all I have. I hope that everyone who knows me values this about me. I just can't help wanting to buy cute outfits for my little girl, stock her up with the coolest school supplies & get pictures of her climbing on the bus for school.

There are dreams that still linger, although impossible - Cal & I read "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish - This book belongs to Avery Megonigal. But she died. Yes Calvin, she died, but we still love her very much. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. Black Fish, Blue Fish, Old Fish, New fish..."

There's one thing that all 3 of my kids learned quickly. Love. That dream never ends.

*This takes some getting used to*

First day back to work after a glorious summer & first full day attempting to follow my schedule. I consider this a fluid document so perhaps some modifications &/or additions will have to be made.

Overall I am very pleased with myself for following through on this idea. The schedule did not keep me from regressing into a few bad habits. The worst one is -- feeling sorry for myself. Case in point. I was hustling to get to everything on my list of things to do this evening which included laundry, dishes & cleaning. One of those darned DS games was lost in our couch this past weekend so I embarked on vacuuming & washing covers. This makes Cal automatically want to jump on the couches - making the dirt fly & pushing the supposedly clean pieces into the dirt. (We have a lot of dirt in our house - it's an uncanny phenomenon. Lots of dirt!)

I could have just cried. I don't know why I get so emotional when I am cleaning. I think it is just general frustration. And then I feel sorry for myself that I'm working alone & nobody is helping me. Which is crazy because I'm the one who places the expectations. Silly.

I checked off the majority of things on my schedule. Maybe not in the timeframes, but they're checked off. Cal is late to bed tonight, but we're washed & pj'ed again. 2 nights in a row! Oh the temptation to put off my shower until tomorrow. I had a hard enough time getting out of here on time this morning. Night showers it must be.

We even had a little chill time when Cal got home. He was thrilled to find my Bufo! (This is my underfoot toad friend) He's an outside kiddo. We have the best adventures & I missed him today sooo much.



I'm so exhausted right now. I still want to do some reading - 10:30 rest time calls though. This is rough. I think, even though the committment to cleaning time in the p.m. can make me cry - I'm feeling the most anxiety over the sleep/resting time. I felt rushed this morning. I need to find a way that I can enjoy my mornings, even with 45 less minutes. Mornings are my favorite. I like to see the sun come up...preferably while enjoying a hot cup of coffee & relaxing. I'm asking a lot, huh?

Going back to work each school year takes some getting used to. I just want to feel more present this year & not get lost in exhaustion & work. Thank goodness I have wonderful friends at work with me. Thanks to a few special peeps, I heard many words of encouragement about both my efforts for maintaining a schedule & for blogging. Change can be tough, but it also can be productive & positive. So far, so good.

Had to revisit

I had to revisit tonight's blog attempt. I will definitely leave the one up from earlier. It's so weird, but I was committing to my attempt to define a schedule in our house & found myself snuggled in with Cal & just my iPad. So...I downloaded the Blogger app & started to blog. Only to find out that I can't type my thoughts using the iPad. How weird is THAT?! I'm sure there are articles & grad students researching the brain to iPad typing deficiencies right now. But I'm back on qwerty just as I like it - so let's try this again.

Today in the the mania of the LAST DAY OF SUMMER VACATION, I typed up a prototype schedule for my mornings & Cal & my evenings on school days. Here's a peek of what I have so far. I did pretty well tonight. Cal was even sleeping at or around 9:30. I know this is probably an attrociously late bedtime consideration for all of you moms out there who don't admit that your child doesn't sleep a million hours every night, but this is super early for Calvin. Last year at this time, he was up until 11:30 or later most nights. It was KILLING me.

This is my big plan for the year -

5:00 - up

Walk dogs - 30 minutes

5:30 - feed animals - dogs, cats, guinea pig, bunnies, bird

5:40 - get dressed, do hair/make-up

6:05 -make coffee (Cailin has some!), pack lunch, gather shit - check Cal's stuff, load of laundry, unload dish washer, load dishwasher

6:15-6:30 - leave (with arrival around 7:05)

WORK

3:00 - leave school

3:30 - walk dogs

4:00- feed dogs, cats, laundry, clean, make dinner

4:30 - Cal home - eat, chill

6:00 - pack lunches, make sure clothes are ready

6:30 - do work, read, blog

8:00 -bath, shower, teeth, jammies

9:00 -bed (Cal)

9:00 - work, blog, read

10:30 - bed! haha

Allow me to explain a few things about this. First of all - I haven't even had a glimmer of an idea about any sort of routine or schedule for a LONG time. It may sound like a bunch of hooey, but I seriously have gaps in memory from a year or 2 before Avery was born until about May of this year. It's crazy, but I really can't remember much. It is only recently that I have been recalling chunks of things that happened or I did during this time. This isn't uncommon following trauma, but it is tough to believe or understand unless you've experienced it. (not recommended btw!). So this schedule may seem ridiculous to you normal peeps out there.

Secondly there are some major committments to sleep all up in this thing. I despise sleep. I know that in addition to trauma, my memory is blurred because of sleep deprivation. I don't sleep much & when I do try, I do not sleep well. It is important though & I would like to remember some things about my 20s (well most things, actually) so I am going to try to rest more. Maybe sleep will happen...maybe not, but I am going to try. My wake-up time last year was more in the 4:15/4:30 range. I don't like to feel rushed in the morning. I like to drink my pot & a half of coffee & change my mind about my outfit 15 times. I like to do my hair & make-up while watching Netflix or reading a book. Hmmm...maybe this schedule already sucks?! Bedtime is kind of laughable too. It will be great for Cal-fun, but the earlier he's sleeping, the later I want to stay up & get things done. (I have 4 minutes to go to bed...still typing...and I want to read more now - I'm IN bed, does that count? I need schedule referees. I don't know the rules.)

One more thing because I am running out of time here - I dropped the ball on 1 of my nightly goals already tonight. I really don't know what I am wearing tomorrow. Grrr...I shall lay in bed & stew about that now. Maybe if I get up at 4:15, I can find, launder & dry an outfit - my favorite ones are always in the hamper/on the bathroom floor.

A new routine..or a routine rather

I have a strange motivation to get some control back into my world. I understand well that many things are outside of my control, but the spiraling of the past 6 years is starting to slow. It kind if feels like I'm waiting for the right minute to jump from a swing.

I felt the momentum shift around Avery's birthday. I actually followed through with ordering butterflies for us to release. We loved it! No more waiting around for things to fall into place.

Tomorrow is my first day back to work after a wonderful summer. Today, I actually created a time schedule for my mornings & evenings. Cal & I are following a schedule for the first time. I still have some loose ends for tomorrow, but that's fine. Hopefully the morning will go as well as the evening.

I'm looking forward to seeing all of my work buddies tomorrow. I'm going to be missing Cal, but we have summer hours yet to experience. Friday we're heading back to the beach. I'm bringing my camera this time & it will be a great blog for sure.

I have so much more energy lately since I've started to blog. It's worth a lot to me to hold myself accountable for all of the goals & dreams I have. Many are still quite short-term as a result of losing Avery & Nolan, but it can be easy to lose track of things throughout the hours & days.

Happy back to school, everyone. Let the fun begin! This year - work at work & home at home. That's a lofty goal. I'm going to do my best though. First step-stick to my schedule.

Early dog walk in the a.m. Once I see how it goes (and what I forget), maybe I'll share my schedule?

Birthday parties...they're not just for the kids

Calvin's last birthday bash was when he turned 1. I think at that point, our family was just so relieved to have a surviving child who was well that we were all holding our collective breath throughout the following year - watching Calvin for signs of lethargy, bruising or bleeding. These are symptoms of leukemia, but in reality - they're also all part of having a little, growing boy.

This year, Calvin turned 4. His birthday party was a celebration of many things. I've already mentioned in a previous post that his reaching 4 without a cancer diagnosis is statistically significant. That can't be overlooked, for sure. But we also celebrated a kid, who developmentally has made leaps & bounds this past year. His words were late to be spoken, but he's at no loss for them now. He's a potty professional without any accidents. Which completely baffles me. I can only explain that he is a bit stubborn like me. He didn't want to try the potty thing until he was sure he had it all figured out. Same seems to be the same with socializing. He still battles shyness, but when he's confident with something or familiar with someone, he can play & participate now. Not so much at the beginning of the year when he was so painfully shy. Everyone enjoyed watching him interact with kids at his party. Here he is making the best of MiMi's special Glycerin bubbles at his party. (Thank you Christine for the photo...my brother's photos WILL be pried from his perfectionist grasp so we can all have some more great shots of our kids from Saturday).

Our family has much to celebrate all together too. We celebrate 1 year in our home. We've progressed from sleeping in the living room, all together like we grew so accustomed to doing while living at CHOP. Of course, tonight, Calvin wants to sleep downstairs on the couch. Little stinker. He has slept in his own room a few times, but we're both happy to share my room as our own. My dad makes fun of me for my bed filling my entire bedroom, but sharing a bigger bed is worth the lack of extra space. How do kids' elbows & feet have such sharp points?

We've grown, socially, by branching out our circle of friends & participating more. I know I spend a lot of time feeling like the touch of death. It takes a lot of courage to expose our hearts. Any gathering can be emotional. We see healthy families, sibling groups, parents calling their children by our missing kiddos' names, expecting parents & THE WORST-the seemingly ungrateful or less than warm parents. My stomach twists almost every moment of the day when I'm not within the walls of our house. There are reminders everywhere of what could have been, what we're missing & what we have to fight through just to get out of bed each day.

What we've lost DOES make us more grateful for each moment. We live a life with much different priorities & perceptions than others. We overlook details as we're caught up in controlling emotions & redirecting sadness into determination.

Birthday parties are not just for the kids. In addition to the adult beverages (what's a birthday party without some beverages?..somehow I have 1 in my hand & put it down so many times that by the time I find it a million times, it takes me all day to finish it.) birthday parties are an excuse to PLAY! Beanbag toss, bubbles, washers, duck pond - we had a blast. Like Calvin not knowing which toy to play with first, there were so many friends & family attending that I did not get a chance to visit with everyone as much as I would hope. I can only hope that every single kid & big kid had as much fun as we did - celebrating every single connection we still have or have made in FOUR years.

Being part of our world is not for the weak. It takes guts to be part of our world. THANK YOU for being there & sticking it out for the love of Calvin. We had a wonderful day celebrating EVERYTHING.

My house is a mess!

We're having a birthday party for Calvin tomorrow. I know that he is super excited. I was lucky enough to have some help in prepping this evening. Thank you to Kristy, Kimmie, Andy, Dad & John for helping me out today with things. And an early thank you to everyone who will bring treats tomorrow. Phew. Having help is wonderful.

But when it comes down to it, we won't have EVERYTHING on the list done. There will be dirt before guests arrive (& more after & that's exactly how we like it around the "farm"). Decorations that I had in mind won't get made. Decorations I already made will fall apart or get pulled down by Cal. Something will be missing. And all of that will be just fine. Just take a look at the impromptu baby collage. Ugh! The pictures are all falling. Maybe I'll have time to fix it & maybe not.

The help with baking tonight was clutch. It is so nice to finally take up an offer for help. This is something I have never really been able to do. We had a great time & if it wasn't for the pizza we ordered, where would we have put our cake pop masterpieces?!

 

The blue cupcakes were sacrificed for a game of wiffle ball with Calvin in the dark. My brother made my facebook status "Putting sticks into balls". Hijacker! I'm positive there will be Jack Russell hair on the couch. There WILL be cake. Calvin will love his party (even though he told me that tonight was a party too with everyone here helping. You're right, buddy!). I can only hope that everyone has a good time. We're doing cake, desserts & beverages. Really this is so I can hopefully enjoy some social time too. Nothing worse than hosting & not enjoying the time with friends who gather.

This is our chaotic life. I'm lucky to check off "have fun" on my to-do list every single day. Tomorrow will be no different. Happy 4th Birthday party Calvin!

 

Devil in the backyard

Dad stopped by a little later than usual. He sauntered in the door holding the remains of a few sunflowers. Hmph! Someone jumped the fence & picked his flowers again. So frustrating. We definitely have plenty to share, but seriously, what is wrong with people? I would never go into someone's yard to pick their flowers. It technically is a)trespassing & b)stealing. Yuck. It bugs dad on many levels. The law, the consideration & it is tough not to take it personally. It hurts. Just knock on the dang door & ask. We're outside more often than not during the day. I refuse to sit out & watch every person that walks down the trail. It stinks. And if you're going to rip them out - at least take them with you - there was a trail of them down the bank.

So I wrote a sign to "post". It read "SUNFLOWERS. For your viewing pleasure. Grown in memory of our beloved Uncle Will, Grandmom & our children, Avery & Nolan. Please to do not trespass. (This includes reaching over or climbing over the fence & picking the flowers). Thank you."
I really wanted to add ....JACKASS! afterwards, but...I refrained.

When I walked the sign out to Dad, I almost stepped on this - the world's biggest caterpillar. Not really the World's biggest, but big enough! Isn't he cool? I scurried back inside to get Calvin & we spent some quality time with our squatter. Hickory horned Devil - Citheronia regalis. After 2 years in its pupae - eventually a Regal Moth. In 2 years, I'll have my eye out for him. The get up to 6 inches long & this was probably close. Unreal!

This kid has a cool life! Even if I wouldn't let him keep or snuggle with the Devil.

 

Lady in the Sunflowers

First of all - My toad friend is back on the porch this evening. I didn't step on him today...yet. But the Jack Russell is giving him a hard time. Resilient little thing.

As I was leaving to attend a Thirty-One meeting this evening, I noticed a car on the pull-off in front of the egg shed. The car was facing the wrong way (against traffic) & there was no one in the car. Hmph. I had to investigate & found a lovely woman among the sunflowers.

Like many of the people who we find wandering the property, she fondly recounted my Grandmom. But still - some people have the decency to knock on the door & let us know what they're up to. It can be a slight inconvenience, but it seems like the right thing to do. I can't imagine walking around someone's yard without checking in. And the excuse of "I didn't think anyone was living here" doesn't really cut it considering the toys strewn about & car in the drive. Silly.

She was taking photos of the sunflowers & promised to give me some of the photos. I won't hold my breath, but I was able to let her know the story of our sunflowers. So, maybe she will drop off some prints. It sounds like I modeled my Grandmother's behavior well. This photographer let me know that Grandmom would walk with her as she took photos & tell her about all of us grandkids. Oh Grandmom. Our visitor also fondly recounted the days of the roadstand that my Uncle Will had here at the house.

I miss those days too. My first taste for sales & how interesting people could be. A way to begin getting over my tendency to be shy & the ability to do quick math & make change. I ate peaches right from the tree, tomatoes like apples, all varieties of watermelon & just this night - some late, fresh asparagus. We have a whole row ready to pick.

Strange that one could have so much in common with a complete stranger. Fond memories, connection to the same sunflower field for different reasons, common memories. Makes you wonder why it is so difficult for people to get along.

Balancing Act

We had a sad day in our house today. Calvin, who rarely cries anymore at 4, was a blubbering mess today. I had to reflect a bit on our Spring & Summer. It has been particularly rough. We've seen worse, but it doesn't take away from the sting of here & now for Calvin. We've also had some amazingly positive memories. Like adding this little Bolt to our family.

In the Spring, my Grandmom Weirman died. I can now, more times than not, talk about Avery & Nolan's passing without tears spilling over. But even now thinking about the world without my Grandmom makes the tears roll. I've written about her often & I struggle to find words worthy of her contribution to my life. There's not a day that I don't think about her. I am comforted by every memory I have of her here in her house. For the most part, Calvin was shielded from this loss, but of course, not completely. He still informs me each time we pass the Colonnade (now Greenfield, I think) that "that where Grandmom is" & we have a little conversation. I have not taken him to her grave yet. I can't hold it together enough when I am there yet. Soon we will visit together & have a new conversation about burials. We have Nolan & Avery at our house. This will be new for him.

Cal's life is influenced constantly by living his life with grieving parents. His Spring & Summer has also been influenced by our grieving as a family for our Grandmom. She was 90 when the boys were born. I tried to make her promise me in 2002 that she would live until she was 120. She would not promise me, in fact she made her "you've got to be kidding me? No way" face. Her health declined rapidly over Cal's 3+ years, but we still have memories to share & hold.

That was death reminder & reality number 1 this Spring. Recently, we had to put our Black Lab down. Again with the tears! Boone was a pain in the butt Lab, but a big part of my life for the past 10 years. And my family's life too. Calvin loves animals & although Boone only came back to live with us this past February from a cushy stay with my brother, Kristy & the boys, he was a big part of Cal's every day. Cal learned about diabetis & watched me/reminded me to give him his twice daily injections. He also watched his health restore & then deteriorate again. He experienced a lengthy seizure & many conversations about his pending death.

It has not been long, but Cal still talks about Boone every day. He continues to remind me that he wanted Boone to die at "me house", but mommy didn't have the right medicine for him. We don't talk Heaven in our house. So instead we have very factual conversations about medicine & Boone's heart stopping. I am certainly going to be the hated Kindergarten parent. I can just imagine the voicemails in will surely receive. Or perhaps Children & Youth referrals because Calvin has told kids & teachers that his mommy keeps his brother & sister on a shelf in her room.

All of this loss this Spring & Summer surely attributed to the meltdowns today. But the trigger - his daddy sold his truck. A truck that he has taken maybe 5 rides in over the past 2 months. Oh Calvin. You're so sensitive, but so wise beyond your years. So today, we mourn the loss of one small silver pick-up. You were a good truck. We enjoyed our time with you. We know you're in a better home with an owner who can use you for pick-up worthy tasks.

And before my father chimes in - I too had a major meltdown when he sold our family pick-up truck. In fact, I can still well up thinking about it or if I see a picture. Drama!

In all, we've done a great job of balancing our good with our not so good. We laugh through the tears & dance in the rain. It's all we can do.

If I...

If I step on one more gosh darned TOAD this summer, I swear?! Bufo Americanus!

Bare-footed every time too. Lucky little things. They pee, I almost pee. It's insanity!!!

I digress...
Crazy things like this happen to me constantly. I know that this particular almost nightly debacle is due to my choice of locale & my need to run to the car for countless things strewn about in there. And in good fortune for said toads, they all (although I am sure that one particular hopping amigo has got me a few times) have survived & it happens while Cal's in bed. Otherwise we would have even more toads captured indoors. He loves them & prefers to hold them while watching tv. Don't worry. He'll ask you if you would like to hold them too. "Don't worry. Thems really nice."

I've spent some time reading today (big shocker!). A last minute grab & dash at the Library sent me home with Jai Pausch's book. It was in the new non-fiction section which is my weakness. I grabbed it impulsively & figured out while getting my highlights done (thank you Tracey!) that it was Jai's caregiver point of view following the death of Randy Paush.

I read "The Last Lecture" awhile ago & truly enjoyed it. My mom who is not a reader, but listens to books while she commutes, raved as well. It's definitely worth the read. It's a quick read & inspiring. Jai is absolutely KILLING me though. Her book is also amazing. Like my life, hers includes many dates. September 2007 this, February 2008 that. HOLD ON A MINUTE!

I generally have to severely concentrate on dates & relate them to some prior knowledge I have of the time to allow them to sink in. It took me too long to read Seabiscuit because I would turn the dates over in my head & try to match them with historical events & family members who were living at the time. I am fascinated to think of my grandmom as a young girl hearing adults chat about the world famous horse races & the Depression. Crazy, right?!

Here's some crazy for you. In the time of Randy & Jai's grappling with cancer & what it was doing to their lives - we had to do it TWICE! My heart has told me a million times to write a memoire, but I constantly bully myself into thinking that no one would want to read it except those who already lived it. And I know that us childhood cancer mommas could do with reading entertainment that doesn't have to do with cancer. Am I right?! But here I am dazzled by a cancer care-giver memoire.

Just when I think - I'm going to do it. I'm going to try to sell my book idea. What's the harm? -well, then I step on a toad. Crazy stuff happens to me. I like to share it, I like to laugh about it & no matter what, something crazier will happen soon enough. I am afraid of putting yet another crazy thing into motion. We have enough crazy around here as it is.

If I...don't try...it won't happen. So here's to the year of giving it a go. If I can step on a toad/toads & they just hop away after getting the piss scared out of them (literally) - I can get stomped on a few more times too. Thank you Pausch family! A reality check.

*A Small Fortune*

What a day! It has been almost a year straight of Sunday breakfast. I am so proud of myself & seriously, I have had a great amount of fun with making breakfast every Sunday. I learned the secret to good bacon is...the OVEN! I will never make bacon on the stove again. No way! And I have discovered a deep, hidden love for a waffle iron. Oh my goodness! My favorite! We've had banana, chocolate chip, vanilla & the best of ALL, CINNAMON waffles. Awesome.

Today - although amazing - I took a vacation from Sunday breakfast. Cal was off on a mommy-free adventure & my dad was away for the weekend in his new camper. I went to Jake's Flea Market. Oh sweet perfection. All by my lonesome, looking for treasures. (I compromised my disguise for Jason & Pam - so nice to spend a little chat time!) I scored a little gift for Cal's daddy & 3 new Pampered Chef gadgets & gizmos for me. A couple books, a snow suit for the ever-growing Calvin &...just some major quiet time.

I like to challenge myself at flea markets. I wear my (that looks like Erin, but I am not sure that it is) disguise & take a bag. (Thirty-One of course!)  I have 2 limits. The cash in my hand & only what my bag can hold. It's so fun! 50 cents here, a dollar there & I'm retail therapied out by the end. Get a little exercise, fresh air & a good drive home. Check!

But then...there's always the errand list. I had the best baby shower gift idea for my friend today. She's committed to cloth diapers (good for you, but holy Christ - that would be a DISASTER in my house). I wanted to get her all the ingredients for laundering cloth diapers. I went to Target. That was my first mistake.

Argh! A few dresses (they were on clearance!), a pair of cowboy boots & only 1 of the 3 ingredients I wanted, I was hundreds of dollars poorer & well within my goals for gift giving. Ugh. Why does that store have so much that I want & never what I go in for?!

Incidentally, I truly wanted to gift the pending new baby girl a couple of Avery's treasures that she was never able to wear/use. Those gifts came from the heart! And I did pass along the baby OxiClean. Useful for cloth diapering or otherwise.

I dropped a small fortune (to me) at Target today. But...it was totally worth it. I had a wonderful day. I miss my little boy when he's away, but it is so important to have some time to think, to shop & to just be.

*Don't be Jealous*

In a supreme effort to avoid taking the trash out today, I restarted a 1/2 done project - my house. Many people hired, volunteered & forced have had a hand in renovating my Grandmom's house. Some things are beyond the normal DIY. For example - removing & replacing the entire electrical, plumbing & heating systems throughout the house. There is a huge list of things that I had no hand in. Lots of ShopVacing (I LOVE making up words!) & encouraging, but otherwise...I'm no good.

Well this past tame winter & super dry early summer, along with the help of my furry friends introduced a lovely case of fleas into our house. It has been an emotional experience for me. Initially I was super embarrassed, but Chloe's groomer quickly put me at ease. My parents both shared stories of a similar issue at their home when I was young. This was a GREAT comfort considering my momma is so good at a clean house that I swear the house cleans itself.

I, on the other hand spent many consecutive days, including my 32nd birthday, in tears. I am the most self-consciously horrible house-cleaner this side of the Mississippi. And if you have fleas - all you have to do is vacuum, launder & spray. Not good, but...the fleas are under control & I got my ass moving on some DIY.

Namely, the first floor. So - ultimately these floors will be refinished by John. He did a spectacular job on the 2nd & 3rd floors. If you have hardwood floors or if you want them - please hit up Weirman & Sons - I will forgive you for the delay. He does amazing work & is one of the best cousins EVA! Back to my revelation...I started to find the catharsis in cleaning through fleas. The 100 years of dirt & surely asbestos filled adhesive responds well to warm water & Dawn. I have hand-planed, used a razor scraper & a gazillion other things to try to scrape up the goo & water & Dawn. Sheesh. (By the way Dawn kills fleas too!).

I worked my way into the depths of the unused room today & also found the heat registers without their covers. I am proud to say that I grabbed some tool that looked like it would cut them, hacked them up & hung them all by myself!! Don't they look pretty?!

I'm super proud of myself as DIY for me is generally CYD/B/J (call your dad/brother/John). One of them is sure to squash my efforts with a "you should have...", but I don't care! (I do care, but I won't let them see it). My hands are filthy, but smell like Dawn (bonus!) & I have a few boo-boos from the metal hacking. I'm heading back inside to see how much more goo I can remove.

AND I TOOK THE TRASH OUT! Well, most of it.

*Take a Breath*

“The habit of being happy enables one to be freed, or largely freed, from the dominance of outward conditions.”
-Robert Louis Stevenson

I finished reading "The Happiness Project" today. While reading, I have signed up for every possible blog, club & list that the author provides. Through one of those subscriptions, an email arrived with this quote. Funny. I was just driven to blog about this topic. Instead of returning my library book today. I just might crack it open & start over. (I'm also still adding her suggested readings list to my GoodReads account).

I felt a bit of a rant coming on over some friends' facebook posts these last few days. It's back to school time & surely my anxiety level is acquiring some of the teacher jitters. But - with all of those jitters & all of the thoughts & emotional pain that travels through me each day, I often want to jump through the computer & scream PERSPECTIVE!!! Even more rattling, face to face conversation gives me this urge often too. There is certain strength in taking a breath & adhering to my own advice - but in a calmer tone. Perspective, Erin.

In some of the most stressful individual situations, I believe the easiest & most reprehensible act is to place BLAME on others. Most specifically to place blame on large groups, business, establishment or organizations. Unfortunately, it seems that this is an acceptable trend in our culture today.

For example - (I'm going to do my best to steer clear of all examples that set me off today. I love my friends & they need not be like me or be judged by me in order to be their best. Disclaimer over...well...maybe a few "similar" things that made me squirm.)
-A child does not do well in a school assignment- consequently the school sucks or the teacher doesn't know what she/he is doing.
-A doctor's appt is running late - that particular doctor is THE WORST.
-A store is out of a product. - The store never has ANYTHING!

I think you can catch my drift. (Hey! I did a good job at using non-examples.)

It takes particular strength to be understanding. Especially in a stressful situation. It is rewarding though. Rewarding enough to change this current culture of blame. Excuses are the pits.

Maybe this makes me seem like a push-over, but really - it makes me happy, content & feeling like a good person. It also provides an example for Calvin. I'm still striving to be the mom I wanted to be when Avery was born.

Ah! I can't resist!...Please do not feel defensive or the need to justify. I've stewed & I understand - these are stressful and necessary outbursts through others' perspectives. But often the backlash is hurtful to others.

-Teacher assignment letters - If your neighbor gets theirs & you don't get it until the next day. - Your school knows what they're doing. There are a gazillion letters to go out, they may have sent them all at once, but there may have been a postal employee on vacation, sick or dealing with an emergency. Maybe your letter was a bit delayed because there was a last minute move into the district or some other change. Really?! It is not life-changing, life-altering or awful. Practice patience & understanding. Explain that to your kid too. It's an opportunity for growth for both of you.

-Doctor's appointments & procedures can be late for many reasons. Not at all, in most cases, having to do with the poor performance of a medical team, but quite the opposite. Perhaps their services were needed emergently for another patient whose condition is worse than yours. Perhaps there was another preparation that they wished to make for your treatment. Maybe there was a personal issue requiring their attention. There are situations way worse than your own & if you were that much worse case, you would be appreciative of the extra attention. Explain this to yourself or to someone waiting with you. It's a powerful observation.

I do my best, day to day, not to pull the "if only my kid had the chance card..." & not here either. Really this is an epidemic of blame. I may have come to these conclusions & behaviors without 2 childhood cancer battles under my belt, but maybe I wouldn't have the confidence to communicate them. Be thankful for the little things you have because those little things could be HUGE to the person on the other side of the room. Who are you to take away what they have?

*Best Part Worst Part*

I just asked Calvin what the best part & worst part of his birthday was. I have never asked him anything like this before & I wasn't sure that he would respond appropriately or at all. He's really good at deflecting. He says "what?" with a big smile on his face when he's avoiding a question. He rocked me with his response.

"Best a-part mine a-cake. What a-you best a-part?" (Calvinese has an Italian flair.) What?! Are you serious. You repeated the appropriate part of the question & responded AND then asked me. This kid is so sensitive. Love him! I let him know that my favorite part was singing Happy Birthday to him. He was not a fan of the singing. (That's secretly my least favorite part of birthdays, but I surely tortured him with it today).

I was leading him with my best part - teasing because I thought the worst part would surely be the singing. Shocked again! He then told me that the worst part was...the bad dream he had last night. He told G-Pop & I about it earlier today & recounted his dream. We were in a different house, mommy died & turned into a monster. Yikes! Oh Calvin. You're so serious. So thoughtful. So smart. I love you. Odd that he seemed more focused on his concern that we were living in a different house than the dying & monster part. We have a goofy perspective. That surely transfers into his dreams. Good coping, Cal. Talk about what's bothering you & balance it with something great. Cake trumps Mommy Monsters for sure.

I'm going to do my best to ask Cal about the best & worst part of his day as many days as I can. He has the most wonderful way of making me feel like a great momma and giving me clues on how to be even better. Like - I should not make us live in different house, die or turn into a monster. And I made the great decision to order a cake from Alexis for his birthday party.

*Three was Great!*

Tonight when Cal was snuggled in for bedtime I gave him the millionth kiss of the day & told him "Three was great!". It sure was. Thank you, Mr. Calvin Jack for a wonderful year. I'm thinking I will hardly sleep tonight.

Four is a magic number for us. While it seems that there are statistics for every single thing in the world, 4 years old is a statistical milestone for this kid. His identical twin had Infant Leukemia. That alone just has to blow your mind. I don't really think that there is an explanation. But there are statistics out there for identical twins - one with a cancer diagnosis & one without. Our statistical odds (although, really, with our history - statistics shmatistics) with this little bugger will fall in about 24.5 hours. OK. I will continue to worry the same amount. It's a milestone, all the same.

Calvin almost had a different birthday than his brother, Nolan. I was in labor with the twins, the nurses came in to take me to the OR to deliver them & I asked them to just wait a few more minutes so I could watch Michael Phelps win his 8th gold medal of the 2008 games. They did, he won the gold & what seemed like minutes (ok it WAS minutes) later, Nolan arrived. 9 excruciatingly intense minutes later, Baby B. Just in time to share a birthday with his "big" brother.

Three was great. I am looking forward to 4. As if on cue, Cal was counting today - "1, 2, 3, 4". We baked blue cookies & ate too much dough before bedtime. He got birthday cards in the mail. A big, fat cat card & a Spiderman card. Awesome. He's going to love 4. I just know it!

While Cal sleeps & wakes up to his big day (I was told "please not" when I sang Happy Birthday to him tonight) tomorrow...I'll stay up & worry. I'll stay up & spend some time wondering & daydreaming about what life may have been with 3 kids all together & well. Wonder what level of crazy I would have achieved with 4 years of identical twin boys. I can do that. I get some of that time. I'll still miss Nolan tomorrow. When he wakes - just like each day - we'll celebrate Calvin.

For some reason, each of the past 3 years on this day - I think of this birthday greeting - This would have been a great tradition - one that they would have hated more with each year. --- I wonder if Hallmark will pick it up? Gotta smile a little through the tears.

Happy Birthday my sweet boys. I love you very much.
Could have done without the stretch marks.
Love you, Miss you, Hug you, Kiss you!

-yo momma

All Kinds of Brave

There are days that for some reason I just can't seem to keep track of the seconds or pull anything together to make any sense. Today was one of those days. I know I did stuff, but when, how, why? No clue. And then I just have to wonder, when was the last day I had it all together? I can't really remember.

This is part of my reason for setting a goal to blog every day. I want so badly to have structure in my life. I can't really say "again" because I have always been a mess. Messy room, messy schoolbag, messy locker. I'm starting with the blog because back when I was blogging when the kiddos were sick, I had to at least process the day & reflect, remember & filter what I was doing & what I did. Perhaps that's why I haven't blogged. I just tread water every day & say thanks that I made it through another day without drowning. I like big ideas. Today was small thoughts & tasks.

I was definitely under water for most of the day today. Calvin went off with his dad for the evening & I had put off the grocery store all day. When they left, I KNEW I had to go, but it was torture DRAGGING myself to the car. Argh! So freaking frustrating!!!!

I also make promises to myself through Facebook. If I tell someone (or everyone) that I am going to do something, then I am most likely to get it done. I promised to take pictures of the sunflowers today & I did it. In order to do so, I am most proud that it required me to charge my camera & worst of all-find the memory cards. Blargh. They were exactly where I thought they were. I just refused to look there first & be let down. Oh crazies!

I found my memory cards & now I have spent my "free" time without Cal - (in all sensical patterns of time, I SHOULD be devouring all food that I just purchased at the grocery store) - watching videos of Avery & staring at her.

That's where I was all day. Missing having my little girl. I remember now that it started last night. There are just these odd moments where things rush through you. All of a sudden during a ride up the road, I was rushed by this immediate urge - "I just want her back". Flashback city from then on. I just wanted more & more pictures & videos tonight. It's been awhile since I sat & watched. (Maybe if I knew where the memory cards were?!).

I tread water a lot. I am scattered with my things & thoughts & actions. I'm almost silent one day & I'm hilarious & chatty the next. I don't know where I am going, what I am doing & I have lots of plans, but rarely follow through as well as I plan to or want to.

Sometimes it is tough to face reality. In fact. It's often really tough. I can be brave in many ways, but really I just want to crawl away somewhere & hide. So I have to keep putting myself out there to keep myself in check. Keep myself grounded. Do things for others. Think BIG thoughts.

I took some solo time to snap some truly amateur pictures of the sunflowers today. I know that they're not perfect pictures, but it was really fun. I looked at the plants a little closer & thought about how everyone else would react to the pictures. Sunflowers are so cheery & bright. They're a natural mood-lifter. I took a picture of myself with one of the blooms & was shocked to see the smile on my face when I checked it out. When I took it, I thought about how silly it was to be snuggling a sunflower & taking a picture of myself. There were people running by for crying out loud?!

But that's me. I do silly things to make a day brighter. I make the best of things, even if that means having a day of small ideas & mentally being light years away. I smack a smile on my face & see where the next moment takes me. All of the floating & spacey moments today led me to the computer to watch Miss Avery do her booty dance. They led me to post that picture of me with the sunflower (& NO MAKE-UP!). I might really want structure or maybe I just want to make sure that I am making note of all the different kinds of brave that make up a day.

*SUNFLOWERS*

There are many things that I enjoy in my daily life that are really of none of my doing. Sunflowers are one of those things. I love them. I am sure if, push came to shove, and there wouldn't be sunflowers if I was the only one to plant, weed & watch - I'd give it a try...eventually. Dragging my feet in new pursuits is one of my specialties. I will never golf - I don't like things I am not good at! Farming, landscaping, keeping plants alive...definitely falls into that category.

In many thanks to my cousin, John Weirman, and my Dadio, Snap Curtis, we have had ACRES of sunflowers to enjoy over the years. Legend has it that my Uncle Will Weirman (Oh the blogging I could do about my Uncle Will! He was really a great part of our lives.) always planted a row of sunflowers in the "patch". My memory serves up strawberries & flowers in the patch that I just loved. But kept a safe distance - I could see them withering as I neared. When my Uncle died tragically, his son, John, continued to plant sunflowers.

And then...the crazy days began. Avery got sunflowers ala G-Pop at our Collegeville abode. She passed, twins arrived, Nolan died, Grandmom was not able to live alone any longer, the Dream project began, Grandmom's house & the patch was semi & then eventually ours & a few annual rows of sunflowers is now about 3 acres of sunflowers. Dad likes to mix it up with a variety of species (?-I need to check out some books about sunflowers). John plants the same kind each year after plowing, discing & some other tractor-involved activities that I again need to read up on. Ugh.

3 acres of sunflowers are in memory of Uncle Will, Uncle Tom, Aunt Clara, Uncle Ralph, Avery, Nolan & Grandmom. Really...they're a symbol of life. They're beautiful & amazing. They attract butterflies & buzzy bees. The world may be less a few groundhogs as they have a destructive appreciation of sunflowers. (sorry to all you groundpig lovers out there). I love the swarms of goldfinches that swoop by to steal the seeds.

Over the years we've had many people compliment the sunflowers. People know our house by the sunflowers. They brighten commuters' mornings, motivate joggers & bikers on the trail & I wonder if anyone has seen them while up in a plane or helicopter & let their imagination run with why they're here. Artists have set up easels & painted them. Photographers ask permission to photograph them.

They're not quite peaking yet, but this is a picture of one of the 1st of this year's Sunflowers. Dad takes some great photos. Oh jeez. I have to sign out some books on photography too. I'm scared photoless of my ill-informed photo skills. Today's batch of photos were of some butterfly pairs in compromising positions. DaaaAAADDD!!! Hahaha! So the sunflowers bring some humor into our lives too.

Please enjoy our sunflowers. I will post more pictures on facebook. Ummm...I mean steal Dad's photos & repost them. If I get up the nerve, I'll get some shots of Cal with this year's crop. You'll surely be distracted by his ability to remain the King of Dirt-Covered, half-naked (if you're lucky) Children. Then I can post another blog about my lack of attention to the rules of conservative or overachieving parenting.

*It's most definitely the little things!*

For about 6 years, I've carried a certain amount of guilt around about (of all things!) taking my kids to the library. My heart still swells with memories of going to the library with my mom & brother when we were young. Well, Cal & I FINALLY accomplished a visit to the PV public library this summer. Yay us!

Pathetic, isn't it? A simple trip to a free place & it takes me 3 kids & almost 4 years to introduce one of them to the wonderment. What I describe as guilt is most likely more ANXIETY. There's that ugly, inner beast coming to the surface again. I'm not ashamed of my extreme anxiety. But perhaps it could be blamed for much more than I care to admit. Even now as I lament on the possible reasons for avoiding the awesomeness of the library for so long, my heart is POUNDING quad-latte style.

Kid 1 - Cancer. All I can think of when daydreaming about taking Avery to the library is all the snotty kids wiping their boogie laden hands all over everything! No way was I going to take her in there & risk her life to other kids' snot. How could Avery truly enjoy all there was to offer without crawling on a kid-sized chair & paging through books. Not cool & not fair. And OMG! All I could think was that she'd sign out a book & she'd die before it was due. So no library for Kid 1.

Twins - Well, Nolan's short little, sweet life did not allow for library visits. While we were still all home together, there really isn't a reason to explain why I didn't take 3 month old twins to the library. Really, I didn't take them anywhere without a family-sized dose of holders, changers, feeders & the promise of alcohol. (And my heart goes THUMP THUMP THUMP!-Is it too early for wine?)

Calvin- Mr. Shy Guy. No way would he do the library before this summer! He was so absurdly paralyzed by the fear of kids before July. His reaction to other kids just amplified my already ridiculous level of anxiety. My only child that really isn't an only child is afraid of kids. Ugh. Not fair. But we got there & Calvin LOVED IT! He was already pre-programmed to do make the best of the library. He scanned the books, picked one up, sat on a cushion, patted the spot beside him for me to sit & we just lounged & read, replaced, picked another & read until we found the perfect one to sign out. He gave the librarian his card, we said "thank you" & we were heading home. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! I wonder how many times I explained the library to him over the past 4 years? Good GOD I LOVE the library.

My first trip yielded the "manual" from Compassionate Friends. It is a compilation of poems, stories, letters & musings all written by grieving parents. I wasn't looking for it. It kind of found me. (Let's remember I have a 3 year-old with me as I am browsing - that freakin' book FOUND me.) I didn't read all of it, but enough to get me MOTIVATED! I spend a good amount of time feeling lost & just plain weird. It isn't really possible for me to have a "normal" adult conversation anymore. I cast certain thoughts & accomplishments with an elevated sense of celebration. I showered today! I did my hair! I only cried about 10 things! I brushed my teeth! I fed my kid! I got out of bed! Oh the comfort those few pages I read gave me. I was doing just fine & I'm not as weird as I thought. (Shush, you!) I'm always telling others who have lost a child that they are not alone. I should really listen to my own advice.

So trip number 2 (sans Calvin - sorry kid, you snooze, you lose) I returned our books & spent a good amount of time browsing. Damned if I couldn't find the grief section again. It magically appeared that first day, I swear. OK, sign taken, no dead kid books for me this trip. I have recently been active on GoodReads. It is a social network for readers where you can record the books you have read & see what your friends have read & are reading. Jodi Picoult kept popping up & reminding me that I love her stories. Full of research &...a lot of DEAD KIDS. DAMN! I finally settled on "House Rules" & then another book found me. "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin.

"House Rules" was great. I'm such an empathetic person so I had to put it down a few times to recover my chi. Just one set of grieving parents & their dead daughter. Unavoidable. Oh well. I survived & swallowed my anxious "yes, Erin, your life is more horrible than most fictional novels" repeated realization. Ugh. Jodi Picoult-I still love your writing. I just have to pace myself. Not your problem, mine.

But now I am elbow deep in "The Happiness Project" & I am having a wonderful time just diving in & letting inspiration lift me up. I love her research-based academic approach to writing about personal stuff. And although this post uncovers some of my doom & gloom thoughts & personal pity parties, I really want to be a happy person. I can like myself more when I am happy & it is contagious. I'd rather have happier peeps around me than dragging everyone down. So - I have so much to say about this book. It will undoubtedly pop up again in blog. At least then I can start giving my dad a break. I may have started at least 10 conversations yesterday with "so I'm reading this book....".

So...I'm reading this book & I've decided to follow some suggestions I have perceived from its pages. I am only page 81. Here's 1. I am aiming to blog every day for a year. Here' to day 2 of 365. 363 more in a row. No problem. Ha! (I have an issue with following through).

"Late" Potty Training

You would think that there's nothing more intense than the scorn towards a mother who's child is "late" to potty train. Maybe it is only in my self-conscious brain, but the potty pressure built up through this past year & was seriously bothering me this summer. 100%, my son was NOT ready for using the potty. But as the summer went along, he figured it out & POOF! we potty trained with only 1 pee accident & no poop accidents. He even refuses a diaper at bed time & has not had a problem yet. I'm sure that will change & we'll have some sheets to wash eventually. I bribed him unsuccessfully many times & used some creative tricks...had I tried them months ago, they would not have worked. He wasn't ready. I knew that. No one seemed to believe me that I didn't care so much & neither should they.

Here's the thing. I am not bragging about the smooth potty training for Cal. We had a full year of asking him to use the potty & he was convinced "me fall in". Dude! You're not going to fall in, but if that's bothering you - fine. We'll wait. As a mom or caregiver who loves a child unconditionally, you know if & when a kid is ready to try new things. I knew Cal wasn't ready. Why then, is that not enough for the rest of the world when potty talk comes up? My gut intuition has been given the upper hand in much more stressful situations. This is where I throw my hands up. I just don't get the Mommy Wars.

Cal is a beautiful kid. He also has a back story that is heart-breaking. He never got to meet a big sister who surely, even though she's gone, will still leave that mark of a big sister that a kid just can't seem to feel he can live up to. (She was somewhere between 7 months & a year when I hurried her to the potty to poop because I could see it coming - see - she beat you to pooping on the potty, Cal! Pbth!) She was amazing. Cal is just as awesome. Then, there's the fact that his identical twin died from complications of cancer at 7 months. Challenge us that potty training by a particular time is a measure of anything. It surely is NOT!

Yes. It is a developmental milestone. And in that & the many more reasons that potty trained children are AWESOME (I'm not downplaying this life - No buying diapers, no stinky kid dragging poop fumes all over the house, less trash, less to bring with, less worry...it ROCKS), I am so happy for Calvin. My cup overflows with pride for that bugger almost everyday. As moms, as friends, as family, as good people - let's stop the potty pressure. Who really wants to talk about someone else's kid going to the bathroom anyway? Talk about something else. Any caregiver would almost kill for adult conversation, so let's have it. And if a mom brings up potty training - be supportive, be encouraging & save the pitied head tilts for some other situation that surely is more deserving than a kid who is surely amazing on so many levels.

And to Me - Perspective, Sister! What the heck were you so worried about? Really?! So nobody listened to you when you said it didn't really bother you that Cal wasn't ready to poop on the potty. Or they didn't believe you. Nothing new. Can't change others, but you can lead by example.

So I vow to continue to share my motherhood reality. No sugar-coating, no excuses, just LOVE & support.

Momma Motivator - Potty train Cal. Check.

Blog every single day - OH good Lord. Here comes a failure.