Something missing

Today is such a rough date. I'm sitting up (attempting to convince myself I am continuing to grade assignments into the wee hours) & I'm spinning. Today is about missing my baby girl. Of course, really, in all honesty - every moment is about missing her. These dates are more about having no choice but to be aware of every second that ticks by. I was in the clouds today. Detached & just twirling through life in slow motion.

I can remember so vividly how every moment used to feel like this. It must have been years of gliding through moments just trying to keep my head above water. Trying not to drown in fear & exhaustion. For all of the anxiety & how loud my heart seemed to thump while the kids were sick - it was all in slow motion. Just look at those 2 lounging...I would love to crawl up on that couch & snuggle in with them.

I shocked myself today though. I had the weirdest realization. I was being productive - actually getting some work done on a Sunday. I kept backing away from my computer & thinking I needed something. Coffee? Food? Chocolate? But nothing was jumping into my head & sticking. I couldn't figure out what was going on. The fogginess was all around me & then it suddenly cleared. "Something's missing". I almost said it out loud.

That's totally, 100% it! Having a child die is just that. A million slow seconds of uncertainty. An unrest, a weird feeling that doesn't shake. There's something missing.

I want to thank my brother for kidnapping Cal & I for a fishing trip out on the river today. I love my mom for totally cracking me up yesterday & letting me chatter to her while my nerves got the best of me - sometimes I'm just not sure I'll survive another "date".  My dad admitting he had Avery Day symptoms today allowed me to acknowledge my own foggy shuffle this weekend. And poor Cal - I'm sorry you had to act out a bit today. I know. You were trying to snap me back to you. I promise today won't pull me under.

It was happening right now - 5 years ago exactly. It feels like now. I wish it was now. It's harder 5 years later. Because I had a little girl 5 years ago...and while the seconds tick & my heart thumps & the tears fall...5 years ago - you were gone.

There will always be something missing. I really miss that part of me that was a mom to the best little girl. A mom to a girl is different than a mom to a little boy. And a mom to a little boy is different than a mom to twin boys. I love them all so much, but in such different ways. I just wish I was able to learn how to love them all together.

Avery Elise 5/25/06-right now 2007

Still pondering...

 

Yikes. I am still fighting this "cold" or whatever it is. It gets a little better every day, but I still sound & feel sick. Not cool. Today though I think I broke free from some of the lethargy. Still getting fresh-picked flowers each day doesn't hurt. My imagination has been running wild this evening. You know...we have a day off this week. This means I will convince myself that I will be able to squeeze a million hours worth of fun & creativity & productivity into one day. I always set myself up for a let down. Luckily I have some creative "work" on the list.

 

My weekend would have been more enjoyable without the food poisoning on Saturday night. This is now the 3rd time I have experienced food poisoning. I will refrain from recounting the poisoning at CHOP - no need to re-traumatize the staff members. Although...pulling the emergency cord in your infant son's hospital bathroom HAS to make the top all time list of completely ridiculous experiences. Well...I recounted. This was nothing compared to THAT wonderment. If you've never succumbed to food poisoning, I do not recommend it. It's brutal. My jeans fit comfortably on Sunday though. Sorry. That's just wrong. True though. My abs feel a bit more toned with all this coughing too. I shall view it as a cleanse. I'm a new woman!

 

I'm still pondering (for no reason except that I have issues with obsessive thoughts) what type of immersion project I would embark on in the name of writing a book about my experiences. This then rolls into the age-old question - what would I do if money wasn't an issue. Because, face it - doing stuff costs money. One of my considerations today was a year of Pinterest. Dedicating a year to pinterest projects in the name of home decorating & home improvement. Yes! That would be awesome. Expensive. But awesome. There would NOT be time for that pesky full-time job!

 

Imagine how proud I am of myself for volunteering to do some crafting for our upcoming Alumni Night at work. I always push my hobbies & fun activities to the back burner for all of the countless to-do items. Not this time. I am awaiting a small mail delivery & once it arrives, I am going to do CRAFTS this weekend. It's not a year's worth of Pinterest DIY, but it is a start. Maybe at least a Pin project/month? There's always more time to squeeze in fun.

 

For now, I'll just keep imagining. And...start a "did it" board to make myself feel accomplished. You can follow me on Pinterest. https://pinterest.com/erinsdream/

 



*being grateful*

After a week & some odd days of not being able to find this dear library book - my desperate last-ditch attempt at searching the entire house AGAIN yielded great reward. I have been having a bit of a fast from reading because I really just wanted to continue with this one. I'm often slave to searching for lost items. It's a gift. I can lose anything. Only at the most inconvenient times of course. Murphy's Law. I'm thinking of adding my photo to that Wikipedia page.

I had a wicked cold this past weekend. It was probably more than just a cold (it's still lingering), but what's the point of knowing whether I am truly febrile or not? Especially during a long weekend. I can pretty conveniently keep my germs to myself. In a suffocating amount of snot & uncharacteristic lethargy, I somehow moved the couch at a significantly different angle than the first 50 times I looked under there & my book emerged. Lay in bed, read, nap. Lay on the couch, read, nap. Lay on the hammock, read, nap. (I use the term nap loosely. Recall my dear Calvin. He can let his dad sleep, but not the momma...I did fall asleep briefly enough for my dad to come inside to let me know Calvin was hanging out the window yelling at him. Relax. First floor window. All's good - no need to disturb me. I'm sick.)

My motivation to read A.J. Jacobs' "The Year of Living Biblically" came from Gretchen Rubin's "Happiness Project". I recorded an entire list of recommended readings & cites from her book. I really loved it & this is proof. I am so out of my league in religious knowledge. I love reading & gaining new knowledge. I especially love reading about other people's experiences in learning. NERD ALERT!

I implemented (semi-successfully) a schedule/routine after reading "Happiness Project". (Note dirty dishes downstairs & outfits unplanned as of yet) I am intrigued by A.J. Jacobs' enjoyment of giving thanks through daily prayer. I realized today how incredibly weird (& nerdy) my own thankful personality may be. I know as a consequence to loss & in hopes of coping with anxiety, I am constantly reminding myself of all the greatness that surrounds me.

Great friends, a wonderful home, great family, great kids, general health (stupid Rhinovirus!), job, book concealing couch...the list goes on & on. This can be counterproductive. The big anxiety-provoking thoughts that could probably be tended to & eliminated get pushed to the side by my extreme coping in positivity. Lack of inspectable vehicle, inability to pay certain bills, pile of clean laundry unfolded & never put in its place, Calvin's overdue well check, final kitten lingering in my bedroom awaiting to be sent to its new home, library books captured by my couch...the list goes on & on.

I'm grateful for so much so I definitely do not feel the need to add - think about being thankful - to my daily to-do list, but I am super curious as to how ANYONE can get through a day without acknowledging the good? I know I'm still picking up pieces of a shattered life, but is it so easy for others that there isn't a need for being grateful? Do I seem like a naive brat for always erring on the side of "it could be worse"?

If I had the discipline to embark on a year-long immersion writing project I wonder what it would be? Get my crap together in 12 months? Not looking good. I've been working on that for forever. I shall ponder. In the meantime/distract myself from doing some sort of getting my crap together, I'll sit here & think of how proud I am of myself for returning all of my library books on time & then spoil myself with some coffee & reading while snuggling a snoozing Crazy Calvin. It's a tough habit to break.

*Grandmom's Magic*

I can't get over how hilarious this photo is! I feel like it could end up on Ellen's bizarre family photos segment. It is beautiful, but just look at Calvin contemplating his next evil endevour with those clippers. And there I stand, all proud of my decision-making skills that allow a 4 year-old to cut sunflowers on his own. Oh yeah. Really, the photo is supposed to highlight the 1 sunflower stalk with a million blooms on it. Do you see how cool it is now. Ignore the nutballs, focus on the flower. (Note-no one has yet to be hurt by cal's flowercutting. He knows "me weewy baweful. Thems barp")

In addition to the uber important lesson already addressed - ignore the nutballs, focus on the flowers - the outdoors at Grandmom's house continues to be a great place for learning. This can explain my (& my family & friends) obsession with keeping this property for our family. I'll try to just focus on the photo so we all have a visual of what life is like & perhaps quite different from those without a Grandmom's house.

That flower stalk was standing in the middle of acres of sunflowers. Most of the stalks around it had fallen. The morning glories choked a lot of them this year & once one goes down - it's a domino effect. Well, I wasn't going for the Physics example, but there's another learning lesson. Newton's Laws & sunflowers. So....what I was trying to get at was that I started to climb through debris to cut this bad boy. Of course, as I climbed (yes in that dress...there's another lesson for ya!), I got distracted (shocker!) and cut a handful of other blooms. I'd hoped to get it later. Dad went in after it minutes later. And boy was it worth it. This picture just doesn't do it justice. It was impressive.

Lessons - The coolest things are worth the work it takes to get to them. If you come up short, there's always someone there to pick up the slack. And my favorite one - Appreciate the beauty of what you find & share it. We took some pictures of this & then put it out by the road with some FREE blooms. John later saw (ever have a family member live up on a hill next door? don't kid yourself, they see EVERYTHING! love you guys!) a woman manueuver that huge stalk into her compact car. Not sure what she had in store for it, but I can only imagine that it brought her some joy. Just as it may have brought you joy in picturing her shoving it into her car.

Someone once explained to me that Calvin will have a different experience growing up with grieving parents. I think that this is very true. Note - not WORSE, but different. It's possible that my experiences as a kid were also shaped by grief. Through stories shared by family, I know that the loss of my grandfather (Pop) changed day-to-day life here on Gravel Pike. Priorities are different around here.

Climbing into the sunflowers in a dress - I don't think twice about that. If you're here, you're going to get dirty. If you're not getting dirty, you're missing out on something fun. Period. And one of Grandmom's best lessons...If I happen to stumble or get my dress caught while climbing. "Who cares. You've seen one, you've seen 'em all".

Yes. I do find this picture hilarious. I realized later that this is really how Cal learned to cut with scissors the other day. Here I thought I had finally got him to listen to me about thumb & digit placement. I know that there will be gasps from the mommies in denial club who will chastise me for allowing such danger in Cal's hands. Pbth!

We are demonstrating that we just learned all about admiring the beauty of nature, working together, supporting each other, having fun and sharing...without even realizing it. This is truly a magical place to be & to live. I get a rush of comfort & belonging every time I pull into the driveway.

Today's bad mommy exposure learning lesson will involve saws, hammers, nails, screw guns & paint. The kid already recharged his power wheels by himself yesterday. He can build bunny boxes, right? (Don't worry - G-Pop will help him a little bit).

*no time to process*

Tonight a young police officer in our area was shot & killed in the line of duty. There are obvious messages of love & support pouring from my heart. There is also much more.

I hesitate to pass judgement on anyone. One just never knows what battles any one person is facing at any moment. There's so much to consider - from mental wellness, misdirection, fear, stress, lack of support, physical health, to danger....life is different for all of us. Even in small town America where many define things as safe, calm & even boring or plain, life can be complicated & fleeting.

I immediately thought after allowing myself to read the news release confirming the death of this young officer - we ALL just need to live better. I know that, just like we're all living different realities, that this could mean something different to everyone. But I say it again. We all need to live BETTER.

I'm struggling to use the word senseless in describing this tragedy. The sacrifice of safety & life of a police officer is in no way senseless. These actions are conscious decisions made in the name of protecting others. I need a better word. Is it dishonorable? I am appalled that this officer & his family & his department & law enforcement officers would be dishonored.

I am not shy or quiet about my respect for law enforcement. I won't say that having a father who was a police officer is easy. I'm sure that he would agree that "easy" is not an adjective to describe his career or even his retirement. Perhaps I had a greater understanding of the fragility of life & the spectrum of humanity that exists all over the world from a young age. There are young people all over the world waiting up for their parents to pull in the driveway from their shift or tour.

It rips me apart to know that there are so many people grieving this loss tonight. Can't we all just please live better? Every decision that we make & every statement that we make has an impact on someone else & continues on forever shaping peoples' lives.

In honor of Brad Fox - let's be aware of our actions & how they impact others. Let's not sacrifice the safety & well-being of others for personal gain. Let's live better. It's not senseless. It is a courageous decision to protect & serve.

Thank you Officer Fox & much respect to the law enforcement community that mourns this terrible loss. This family is on my mind & my heart sends support & strength.

*Pandora - yes please!*

I so love to read, but when school starts up again - reading is a luxury for sure. I have it in my schedule & I try to read a few pages, but it can be tough to concentrate with grades to be entered, lesson ideas to be implemented & lately - a new schedule to spin around in my mind. These things come to to surface, not because I feel obligated, but I really do enjoy the creativity I get to use in my job. The thing is, I am MORE creative when I read. So - the internal battle continues. (Add in exhaustion & there you have it. Erin vs Time - the war of the century).

During the school year, I find that music will often prevail as the spark for inspiration & daily reality checks. I wish I could just spend a day listening to songs & following along with the lyrics. The real lyrics - not the ones that I sing along. [Did you ever sing along to every song using "squirrel" for "girl". Pure genius! So fun.] Pandora has the lyrics to most songs show when they play. This isn't great for the commute, but a cool aspect, nonetheless.

These lyrics, I know quite well. Thank you, John Meyer, for your spot-on songwriting. Not too shabby to gaze upon either. (Sorry, Dad - although...you may agree? ha!)

So - let's take a journey with Mr. Meyer - (push play if you haven't already! So amazing.)

Today, September 11th, is a sentimental day that prompts much reflection. I spent a little time following a moment of silence to share my memories of September 11, 2001. Some of my students were only 4 in 2001! September 11, 2007 won the reflection war today though. It probably always will.

This was the day that Avery had her final Lumbar Puncture & Bone Marrow Aspirate. This was the day that I laid in her crib with her while 2 doctors that I respect very much told us that 96% of that BMA was cancer cells. We didn't need to tell them immediately, but we were sure. That was it. We were done. No more poison, no more sticks, no more pain, no more close calls, no more...just - live it up while we could with our happy, beautiful Avery.

We weren't alone that day. Another family was hearing eerily similar news. Earlier in the day our girls had fatefully locked eyes while they were both in the sedation unit prepping for their tests. I'd seen them do it once before & I will never forget it. It is like a scene in a movie where two people have a conversation without saying a word. It was an amazing conversation, I know it! Though it brings tears to my eyes, it is a comfort. Like best friends who have each others' backs. Like sisters sharing secrets. Hope. Love. Heart. Life.

Those two girls shared that moment with their mommas & for that I am grateful. For that I am comforted. I love you Michelle! I miss you, Tara & I miss you, Avery. I KNOW the heart of life is good. No matter how short, tragic or in my case, broken. (Sing that chorus John Mayer!)

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

(Whistle Interlude)

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

*let 'em grow*

There are many things that I wish I knew how to do well. Due to my lack of knowledge about them, I just avoid trying. One of my biggest issues with this is any sort of plant. Yes, yes - acres of sunflowers. Not my doing. There's a combination of Weirman/Curtis work to get that going. Calvin & I did plant one thing this year. Carrot seeds.

I know one rule about planting. You're supposed to plant the week following Mother's Day. So, Calvin & I did just that this past May. Just a few carrot seeds in un-disced earth. We just dug up the dirt a little & threw the seeds in. We watered them a couple times (o.k. maybe once) & he was able to harvest quite a few carrots throughout the Summer months.

I need to take a lesson from Cal's carrots. Even though the Weirman/Curtis combo warned of my misadventure in carrot planting - Cal's carrots were pretty impressive. I need to continue to try things even when I am not over-informed or overprepared. Next year I am hoping to plant even more food. I don't know why I was so hesitant. What's the worst that will happen? They won't come up. Who's really going to care? And if it works. We can all enjoy it. At least we'll know that we tried. (As I feel guilty for all of the seeds I still have - all pretty in their packages.)

The same needs to go for the landscaping that I wish so much to try, the Master's Degree that I am so secretly & utterly passionate about, the writing I want so badly to pursue & the continued growth that I hope to have the courage to continue.

After so long in the fog of trauma, depression & awful anxiety - everything seems to be clearing. Ironically, clarity comes with additional anxiety, but I'm getting better at working with all that crazy heart pounding, heavy feet & spinning.

Those carrots took way longer to grow than I had anticipated. I'm glad we gave them a chance. Now, let's see how long it takes me to do the same?

*acts of kindness*

There were damaging storms predicted for today here at the homestead. We had some significant downpour, but no thunder. Boo! I miss thunderstorms when Fall & Winter come. Thundersnow...now THAT can be enjoyable. But it is so rare & cold, dark Winter, my mood is not a fan.

Due to the impending storms, Dad requested some "Free Sunflowers" signs for out by the road & on the trail. A big wind & driving rain was sure to bring down the remaining sunflowers. Oh no! Summer's over. This time of year is usually a tough time for me. I'm going to fight it this year. (Not that I don't want to fight the blues every year, but I just REALLY don't want to fall THIS year).

I started the Cricut up (another gadget I LOVE!) to make some fancy schmancy letters to put on the sandwich board out front. Ugh! And...just as when any other enjoyable task begins, something comes up. Change of plans, someone in the house needs something else. So - poster markers & the back of Calvin's Giant Coloring pages it is. Nothing bums me out more than shoddy craftiness. I did find some solace in the mere accomplished activity. Signs out front & on the trail. Ugly, but done.

In the meantime, Dad was cutting & filling buckets. SO MANY sunflowers took off down the trail today. Holy symbolism, Batman. It was almost supernatural to watch the process. Most of those who chose to take some sunflowers would first walk/jog/ride past the bucket & sign. Then, about 10 seconds later, they'd turn around to grab a few & continue on. It was like the sunflowers were grabbing their hands as they went past & then when their arms were stretched too far, they came back. Smiles galore. And lots of thanks.

Those darn kids & Grandmom's house & Uncle Will's sunflowers...they're still making even the stormiest day brighter. Broke those storms up just enough that we might just be able to pass along some kindness again tomorrow. I'm somehow going to try to stretch this Summer all the way into next Spring.

*at 5 a.m.*

Yay! We're back on the grid here in Schwenksville & the internet is back up & running. Thank you, Verizon! It's amazing how productive 5 a.m. can be. Yesterday I woke up to no internet or tv. I probably could have gone days without realizing the cable was gone, but internet - yikes. We're a Netflix house. Usually 5:30 is amazing time spent with my flat iron & a show. (I'm working my way through "Vampire Diaries"). So yesterday I was all - flat iron & customer service chat on my iPhone.

Before heading out the door, I was able to get dressed, hair calmed, coffee made & troubleshoot/schedule a visit from our friendly Verizon repairperson. Awesome. I did have to chiggity check myself a couple times during our chat. First of all, I am pretty handy with electronic mishaps. I can fix things that require rebooting, unplugging & replugging, reseting, etc. I like to determine the problem before calling for help. In the past these things have included - surged router & cable box, broken PVC pipe to the well pump (that included some yiping & an unexpected shower in the basement) & the oh so common shattered screens on Apple devices. I was a little annoyed when my online chat buddy needed to ask me if we had power. SO frustrating to be unable to respond sarcastically through chat. [i.e. - "omg - THAT'S why the internet & cable don't work...seriously dude?]

A few extra trips up & down the steps & there was an appointment for this morning. Kept quite promptly, I may add. Little snafu with finding the house...my patience was kind of iffy on that call too. If you ask me if I am at the incorrect address, I WILL say no. Furthermore...yes, you DO need to let me know which direction you are heading on a road so I can confirm or deny that you're heading in the "right direction". Oh good gravy. But alls good in the neighborhood. Note: Last time I SPOKE to a Verizon rep to arrange service, she told me I was "wonderful". I need her on speed dial.

There were all of these things that I wanted to do last night that required internet. I decided on reading, but then couldn't find the book I wanted to read. TYPICAL! The later in the week, the more scattered my brain. I'm exhausted. Pretty sure Cal is exhausted too. This is him right now.

We'll call this photo - Falling Asleep By Accident

 

 

Highlight of yesterday that I missed the chance to blog about - I met up with another mom  who recently lost her son. We went for an afternoon walk. We had never met before, although emailed briefly before he passed & I had to reach out after I heard the news of his passing. What a wonderful momma. I am looking forward to another walk or 50. The ability to talk as grieving moms one on one & without worry of judgement is priceless. So glad that I listened to my gut & sent that email. Little sunshine, little exercise & some good company. Easy recipe for good times.

*Pleasant*

I may be tired - I just posted this on my class blog. Oh my lands! Thank goodness it was PG. Here it goes -

My dad called me this afternoon to ask how my first day of school went. I actually described the new batch of students I met today as "pleasant". When did I get so OLD?! Soon I will be using adjectives like "grand". For example, tomorrow afternoon's conversation may go something like this -Oh, dear father, I had a grand time at warm water aerobics this evening at the senior center. Sheesh! [This is a bonus dig at my dadio as he has already participated in said activity!]

I truly did have a great first day back to school with the pleasant students in school today. What is even greater are my co-workers. Since I have returned to teaching, following Nolan's death & struggles with depression & anxiety (shocking, right?), the bonds among many of us have grown exponentially. See! I even have friends that teach math. Otherwise I would never have access to such vernacular.

Believe it when I tell you, teachers work VERY hard. This is why it is so amazing that we can also project so much energy & love throughout a work day. If not for Avery & Nolan, I believe that our work day would be very different. You see, at my job, we hug each other A LOT! I'm positive that this sounds strange. If it isn't a hug, it is a big smile & quick conversation. A funny email conversation can serve as a shot of inspiration. Sometimes there is dancing, singing, jokes, jabs, funny faces, notes, cards, shrieks & poems. If we don't see each other during the day - there's going to be a text, email or post waiting for after school.

Today was pleasant. It was more than pleasant - it was wonderful. Not because of where I was, what I was doing or how hard we worked, but...who I was with. All of our love & all of our comradery is starting to rub off on the kids too. THAT is so super cool. I am so proud that we have kids who look forward to coming to a school where they feel safe & connected. Isn't that grand?

*Never quite "ready"*

The kids are coming back tomorrow!! So my beach trip on Friday threw me right back into Summer Vacation mode. I thought I would keep a good grip on reality as I ironically drank pumpkin spice coffee on the beach, but I was wrong. Friday through Sunday were about as worry-free as they come. Cal & I chilled on the beach, I had a roaring case of insomnia on Friday night, we played video games, did some cleaning up, played with glow sand (holy messy invention Crayola!) after dark & Cal somehow got hooked on the riveting theatrical production that is, "Fireman Sam". There are a lot of whiny kids on that show, btw.

Today was a mental & physical battle of concentrating on getting ready for the 1st day of classes tomorrow & warding off the crazy Sunday frenzy (even though it was Monday - going back after Labor Day is nothing less than glorious) that our profession can inflict on the weak. Really there is only so much that can get done with the hours available in the day. I really wish someone would work on that. I could use just SIX more hours. Is that really too much to ask? OK 8 more might be better. I would like extra sunshine with that order too.

As you can tell, I am running behind on my self-inflicted schedule. Sleeping the night before the first day is a ridiculous goal anyway. Checking & re-checking alarm clocks, trying to mentally run through one's schedule & my personal best - thinking of an awesome idea for a lesson that will undoubtedly take the place of anything that I have worked on leading up to said middle of the night epiphany - I'm not reading your mind...we're all just THAT similar.

Before you know it though, we'll be heading back to Six Flags for the end of year Senior trip. So I choose this year (like I was pretty successful at doing last year) to ward off those Sunday freak outs. I can look forward to each week knowing that it will be frenzied, unpredictable & inspiring - even if I am not "ready". How ready can you really be? I can tell you that you CAN be more ready than I am right now. But I am confident that I will enjoy getting to know a little over 100 new faces tomorrow. We'll laugh, we'll think, we'll be nervous & we'll be excited for a new school year.

I like to have a theme or goal in the classroom each year. For example one year it was consistency, one year it was respect & understanding & last year it was all about being comfortable & confident. I haven't decided 100% on a theme yet for this year, but it will have something to do with discovery & awareness. Trying new things, being kind, using positive language, going into each moment with a positive expectation & creating.

It can be so tempting to do the same things in the same way every time, but I just can't roll like that. I like to see where the day takes us. Sure, there are always plans & goals -- but there are so many different ways to get there. Oh! Those sweet little things will pretend they hate me for making them work & think. Eeeek! I'm so excited. Here we go 2012-2013. Good luck & good times to all of my teacher friends. You're ready enough. Now go lay in bed & stare at the ceiling thinking of all of the things you need to do.

*Awesome*

OK. I have a serious issue with sarcasm. I use it well & often. In the teachers' handbook for my student teaching assignment back in the dark ages of 2001, there was actually a "rule" saying that teachers would not use sarcasm in the classroom. - I had a slight panic attack & then continued my journey. I break rules all of the time. I generally just don't like being told what to do. Sarcasm is part of my personality (& pretty much what allows me to be a high school teacher - all of my favorite (arguably BEST) teachers were sarcastic.)

My go to sarcastic phrase is simple - "Awesome." Some examples -

*Calvin - Mommy, me pooped in the yard (this truly happened last year. Judge if you must)
Me - Awesome.

*Daily comment from co-worker - Erin, you just spilled coffee on your shirt
Me - Awesome

*Me arriving for a long-awaited kid-free shopping trip without my wallet. "Awesome"

*The student comment section to this example chart would be too extensive for blogging - I will save that for a book deal some time in the future. And I could get fired for using such examples here....awesome.

This word has been haunting me today. In an effort to be a proud onco mommy, I was embarking on a tedious project to raise awareness for Childhood Cancer. (sarcastic). Ok, I was thinking of changing my profile picture to a picture of Nolan since Avery was my profile picture yesterday. I was on the iPad & like the AWESOME person that I am, I do not have a picture of Nolan on that glorious device (not sarcastic, I freaking LOVE that thing!) to upload as my profile pic. Unlike other mommas, I can just google my kids & download a picture to use. Of course THE video came up on the search &...I watched it. Awesome. (sarcastic)

So it's 7 a.m.-ish & all of the healthy people of the Perkiomen Valley are jogging/walking/biking by as I sit on the back porch & cry. Sweet. (My second favorite sarcastic spasm.) Calvin was loving the part with him & Nolan moving around. **Calvin, please don't ask to watch it again** Phew! Why should I cry alone? Instead of changing my profile picture today, I'll share THE VIDEO (this is said with a deep, scratchy, scary voice) as my Childhood Cancer Awareness outreach today, 9/2. I have a bad habit of assuming everyone knows the tale of Momma Gloom. So...those who know-won't watch & those who don't-will know soon enough. I should have looked at the YouTube hit count this morning.

That sucker got shared all over the place today. Rah Childhood Cancer Awareness! Go Avery & Nolan. Oh! And everyone is telling me how awesome I am. Awesome. (sarcastic, remember?)

When it comes down to it, I'm no more awesome than the next girl. I try to be amazing & a bit of a rule breaker because it is super fun, challenging & a little rebelious. I don't like it when people tell me what to do so I like to make my own way. Unlike student teaching, there's no written rule that says that a mom with 2 dead kids can't be fun, but there are some unwritten rules & misconceptions out there that I like to rebel against. I like to have fun, I like to help others, I like having friends, I like meeting new people & I like going places & doing stuff. Look at me! I'm just like everyone else! (So much for rebellion.) But the unwritten rule is that I would be best suited for a life-long sentence of staring at the wall. Not THIS momma! No way. I have things to do & coffee to spill.

I appreciate all of the kind words that are sent my way. My close friends are reminding me that they love me (thank you. I love you more!), friends of my close friends are reminding me that they love me because their friend loves me & some people I don't know & I will not try to figure out their motives. Let's just assume that they are sane & well-intentioned (please do not reignite the stalker, please do not reignite the stalker, please do not reignite the stalker). Today I am even more thankful for my "you are awesome" messages. First, my friend, Cat, provided this -

Bahahaha! This I love. I didn't ask for this awesome. I caught it from my kids. It's hard to explain.

And then, some less than empathetic comments emerged about THE VIDEO (remember to make the voice!). Conclusion. I would rather be uncomfortable in owning my Awesome diagnosis (see above) than having my kids' lives & my life described as "brutal". THE VIDEO isn't brutal. It made you cry. I am very sorry. Really, I don't enjoy making myself, my family, my friends or strangers cry. THE VIDEO is beautiful. It shows my AWESOME kids & people who love them. It's a true story & it's our story & if that diagnoses me with Awesome or infected with Awesome or A.W.E.S.O.M.E. + (did you get that?! Pretty funny, right?!), so be it.


***Nerd Alert! - In an effort to overuse Awesome today & get more comfortable with accepting it - I did a Pinterest search of "Awesome". Do it! It was fun.**