Guilt, guilt, GUILT!

The inspiration to write hits me so many times throughout the day. I have a good collection of writing from this school year, but SOMEONE feels too guilty to post. I find that I put so much pressure on myself - how can I be a great teacher if I am spending time on writing? How can I spend time writing when I am at home being a mom? What will people think if I post a blog during school hours? (Holy moly! I feel guilty even typing that. My heart just turned to rock.) PARALYZED!

I have to listen to my own advice & just go for it. I truly believe that there are doors that will only open if I write. I do love my job & I am content with my achievements so far, but there is ALWAYS more. Can you even IMAGINE the guilt if I don't do MORE? And the guilt over not providing a truthful role model for our students, friends & family. Oh dear. I expect them to do great things & here I am, writing in notebooks & private Google Docs in fear. Of what? I'm not quite sure. Failure? Punishment? Ridicule? All no big deal compared with my own self-scolding.

In an effort to not be so hard on myself, I am going to put the pressure on again. (What?! Where's the rubber room?) More blogging. Typing up & sharing the writing that's been going on throughout the school year. Sharing the good, the not-so-good & the down-right-absurd. I miss it.

The biggest news that I have been cowering behind is that I have been researching & writing about virtue. (Here comes the insecurity). I think that choice sounds really hypocritical coming across my screen. It seems like a religious or spiritual topic. Both schools by which I am grossly uneducated. Until I read something about happiness (one of my favorite topics) & virtue was described. I'm a big fan & maybe even seen by others as a specialist. Why? (Calvin told me the other day that asking "why?" is annoying - I'm a true pain in the ass!) That's what I am researching. How is it that I am asked about my views as an expert on certain things that I have NO IDEA why my ideas or experiences are so special. How did I get like this? Small question. No biggie. I am finding, btw, that virtue is NOT a necessarily a religious or spiritual concept. And now, to keep some confidence without a certain set of additional letters behind my name & to keep researching & writing. I fear I am going to be an even bigger nerd this summer than any other summer on record.

At work today...

As a public school teacher, I don't often feel comfortable in sharing concrete examples of the experiences I have each day. I really want to share them, I just fear the ramifications.

Here is an opportunity -

I ran an I/E session today called "Creative Writing". I provided the writing prompt to the group & also took up the challenge. We were to write a 26 line short story with each sentence beginning with sequential letters of the alphabet. Here is what I wrote - we had about 30 minutes.

After a conversation with a friend today, I feel the need to reflect on the balance of work & home. Besides the obvious pressures of performing at work & then maintaining a home full of happiness, there is often an avoidance of discussing what should happen when one or both of these worlds is falling apart. Crazy as it may sound, we should be supporting each other in these crises, sharing our needs & feeling confident in the ways that could be offered for us to regain balance. Don't think that our co-workers are hostile, insensitive jerks, but when it comes to admitting that we need help, are struggling or may need to sacrifice a responsibility at work or home in order to maintain sanity, it seems that we are afraid of being judged, fired or just plain ignored.

Everyone should understand that shit happens. For some reason, some co-workers (ok bosses) practice an ignorance that we, as teachers, are human & we need social interaction, support & *gasp* maybe to be cut a break once in awhile. Fractured the concept is that we will be best served with MORE responsibilities, deadlines & high-stakes tests. Good grief. Hell hath no fury like a teacher/mother/coach/cheerleader/counselor/friend/woman who feels as if they're underachieving & underappreciated. It's unfortunate that this is how we all feel. Just let it all out, already. Kiss that perfectionist good-bye. Life is about the crappy stuff too.

Much to my dismay, two of my favorite people in the world could use a little time off. Now, this time would be best served with me accompanying them to a sunny resort, on a beach, with lots of alcohol. Only we can’t even have a moment to ourselves in our job. Part of me longs for an office door to close. Quiet doesn’t exist around here. Right now, I’m writing this while surrounded by 24 young minds...asking to go to the bathroom, calling me out on my caffeine addiction & interrupting every sentence I write. Sanity is not a luxury we are provided around here.

Truly, we aren’t provided much. Unfortunately we’re put down, given more responsibilities each moment, blamed for everything & expected to do it all...perfectly. Vastly overqualified for everything, but not allowed to excel in any one thing. Wait until the day that we finally figure out how to support each other. Xanadu can be attained in our profession. You have to be honest & work to achieve balance. Zany as I may be, this must begin with us being willing to admit that we ALL could use some help & change.

The Right...

Oh sweet serenity...I opened my email yesterday morning to find the Barnes & Noble Best of 2012 list. Even though I am completely lacking in any sort of Type A personality trait, I have a deep love for lists. "Best of" lists are just pure bliss. In addition to providing what seems to be endless choices for reading, in this case, the lists themselves signal that I have survived another holiday season. It's time for New Year's Day, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Easter, Memorial Day & SUMMER! That's also a list I can appreciate.

I attribute conquering Christmas this year to rekindling my love of & actually READING. Books, articles, series, novels, non-fiction....OH! More lists! I see my love of best-of lists as the anecdote to my procrastination. I never seem to start or continue things because I don't have the "right" something. I may not blog because I don't have the right photo to go along with it (note lack of photo today...I'm going for it anyway), I don't write because I haven't decided on the right topic, I don't run or work-out because I don't have the right outfit or the right sneakers (or, really, anything matching & clean) which then brings me to not having everything put away in the right place or the house decorated in the right way. The best-of list sets up the right stuff for me & I can just START.

Once I start, everything kind of falls into a better place. Something is better than nothing. The next trick that came up this year is then, balancing something with "More is even better". Because soon I am right where I was before, stuck NOT doing because I don't know where to start the more. So my something this year was reading again & letting everyone know what I was reading & allowing myself to follow the motivation provided by the books I read. Seabiscuit was a motivator to continue to be loyal to all of the crazy-ass dreams I have & realize that achieving them takes time. (Grieving parents in that book...we're everywhere). Happiness Project made me just go for it when it comes to blogging & writing. I need to re-read this one because I am faltering in the land of perfection again. It doesn't have to be perfect. Something is better than nothing. I'm starting to re-organize the "More is better".

The last of my top 3 books read this year is Now You See It. Wow! I read the first few chapters & started taking notes. I was telling everyone about the book & my thoughts on its content. But then, I got STUCK. I couldn't blog because I wanted to blog about work & I am just not comfortable doing that. I love & need my gainful employment. I need not rock the boat...but I REALLY need to rock the boat. Perhaps I am just not ready to rock it through blog. Oooohhhhh Nnnooooo - I'm getting stuck...So instead, I forwarded to book to our building principal as a reading recommendation. And BOY did I take notes. My notes were mostly notes to myself about what I wanted to write about, what I wanted to change in the classroom (started implementing that right away, no hesitation in doing more for our students, I can just jump into that - hmmm, I ponder) & the best notes were little ones to the author. For example - "OMG. I love you! Exactly! Thank YOU! Finally!".

So here I am, enjoying the Best Of lists that are filling my news feed & email inbox. I'm hoping that these lists & the reading that I continue to pursue, will allow me to make some more strides in achieving my long list of goals this coming year. I am proud to report that I definitely did something this past year. I want to do more. Scratch that. I want to START more. That's where I'm stuck. So here's to 2013...a year where something is better than nothing & more is just enough.

Guilt, Broke, Dark

Don't think for a moment that I don't spend time each day thinking about what I want to blog. Here's my latest conclusion that has been rolling around my scattered brain these past few weeks. Julia Roberts got to play the leading role in "Eat, Pray, Love". I, live the story of "Guilt, Broke, Dark". These are the 3 main...let's call them feelings...that make me shy away from the world.

I absolutely dread daylight savings. I try with all my might to fight, fight, fight against the darkness. It is just so darned HARD for me to function well in the dark. I enjoy the dawn, the sun & all that comes with warm, sunny days. Thunderstorms, sitting outside, playing outside, walking & the light makes me come alive.

I can give myself a little credit here. I am doing much much better this year than last. I am pretty sure that I just gave up the fight pretty early last year. I was falling asleep each night because I was stopping when the sun went down. That meant a string of many unproductive days. I still have a gazillion undone items on my to-do list, but before landing this evening - did bath, pjs, load of dishes, actually cooked Cal dinner & had a hilarious text conversation with friends. Throw in making a good mess with Play-doh & I'm feeling a little less guilty.

OH the guilt! I find many blog-avoiding excuses over the GUILT! I should be grading papers, I should finish reading my book, I should write something else, I should vacuum, I should try to sleep, I should list some things on eBay, I should make some calls to sell Thirty-One, I should do some crafts, I should call my mom, I should try to cry, I should watch a movie, I should fold some laundry, I should clean the bathrooms, I should organize my closet, I should pack up Cal's outgrown clothes, I should....just DO something!

I find myself wallowing with guilt even more intensely when I worry over money. Money truly can't buy happiness, I know that, but having some is pretty great. Since my last post, we've had some big expenditures around here. I had to break down & buy a car. Holy stress. It is a wonderful addition to our lives to have a car with heat. Cal & I are enjoying that greatly. The payments are a different story. Thank goodness for my parents for helping me to buy that Wrangler back in 2000 that brought me this far & also to my dad for his 1996 Explorer for chugging me along this past year. Please let this car last as long as those 2. I could have done without any more major purchases until...well, forever after buying the car. Cash reserve is not a luxury this girl has had in a LONG time. Oh, those were the days!

Then, I took Cal to the dentist with a toothache. Poor little bugger. A few appts at the dentist & some dental work under general anesthesia (thank you Grand View Hospital, you took great care of us) & I've discovered that broke is forever. That is a little dramatic. Again with the "we've come a long way"...but it is true. I get myself all caught up in worrying about everything in the moment, but it will all come around & work out.

So I will ignore all of those blissful shopping stories from Black Friday & the reveling in Cyber Monday deals. We have a home, a car with heat & a pain-free kid. That's so much.

There's no need to shy away when things go Guilt, Broke, Dark.

Something missing

Today is such a rough date. I'm sitting up (attempting to convince myself I am continuing to grade assignments into the wee hours) & I'm spinning. Today is about missing my baby girl. Of course, really, in all honesty - every moment is about missing her. These dates are more about having no choice but to be aware of every second that ticks by. I was in the clouds today. Detached & just twirling through life in slow motion.

I can remember so vividly how every moment used to feel like this. It must have been years of gliding through moments just trying to keep my head above water. Trying not to drown in fear & exhaustion. For all of the anxiety & how loud my heart seemed to thump while the kids were sick - it was all in slow motion. Just look at those 2 lounging...I would love to crawl up on that couch & snuggle in with them.

I shocked myself today though. I had the weirdest realization. I was being productive - actually getting some work done on a Sunday. I kept backing away from my computer & thinking I needed something. Coffee? Food? Chocolate? But nothing was jumping into my head & sticking. I couldn't figure out what was going on. The fogginess was all around me & then it suddenly cleared. "Something's missing". I almost said it out loud.

That's totally, 100% it! Having a child die is just that. A million slow seconds of uncertainty. An unrest, a weird feeling that doesn't shake. There's something missing.

I want to thank my brother for kidnapping Cal & I for a fishing trip out on the river today. I love my mom for totally cracking me up yesterday & letting me chatter to her while my nerves got the best of me - sometimes I'm just not sure I'll survive another "date".  My dad admitting he had Avery Day symptoms today allowed me to acknowledge my own foggy shuffle this weekend. And poor Cal - I'm sorry you had to act out a bit today. I know. You were trying to snap me back to you. I promise today won't pull me under.

It was happening right now - 5 years ago exactly. It feels like now. I wish it was now. It's harder 5 years later. Because I had a little girl 5 years ago...and while the seconds tick & my heart thumps & the tears fall...5 years ago - you were gone.

There will always be something missing. I really miss that part of me that was a mom to the best little girl. A mom to a girl is different than a mom to a little boy. And a mom to a little boy is different than a mom to twin boys. I love them all so much, but in such different ways. I just wish I was able to learn how to love them all together.

Avery Elise 5/25/06-right now 2007

Still pondering...

 

Yikes. I am still fighting this "cold" or whatever it is. It gets a little better every day, but I still sound & feel sick. Not cool. Today though I think I broke free from some of the lethargy. Still getting fresh-picked flowers each day doesn't hurt. My imagination has been running wild this evening. You know...we have a day off this week. This means I will convince myself that I will be able to squeeze a million hours worth of fun & creativity & productivity into one day. I always set myself up for a let down. Luckily I have some creative "work" on the list.

 

My weekend would have been more enjoyable without the food poisoning on Saturday night. This is now the 3rd time I have experienced food poisoning. I will refrain from recounting the poisoning at CHOP - no need to re-traumatize the staff members. Although...pulling the emergency cord in your infant son's hospital bathroom HAS to make the top all time list of completely ridiculous experiences. Well...I recounted. This was nothing compared to THAT wonderment. If you've never succumbed to food poisoning, I do not recommend it. It's brutal. My jeans fit comfortably on Sunday though. Sorry. That's just wrong. True though. My abs feel a bit more toned with all this coughing too. I shall view it as a cleanse. I'm a new woman!

 

I'm still pondering (for no reason except that I have issues with obsessive thoughts) what type of immersion project I would embark on in the name of writing a book about my experiences. This then rolls into the age-old question - what would I do if money wasn't an issue. Because, face it - doing stuff costs money. One of my considerations today was a year of Pinterest. Dedicating a year to pinterest projects in the name of home decorating & home improvement. Yes! That would be awesome. Expensive. But awesome. There would NOT be time for that pesky full-time job!

 

Imagine how proud I am of myself for volunteering to do some crafting for our upcoming Alumni Night at work. I always push my hobbies & fun activities to the back burner for all of the countless to-do items. Not this time. I am awaiting a small mail delivery & once it arrives, I am going to do CRAFTS this weekend. It's not a year's worth of Pinterest DIY, but it is a start. Maybe at least a Pin project/month? There's always more time to squeeze in fun.

 

For now, I'll just keep imagining. And...start a "did it" board to make myself feel accomplished. You can follow me on Pinterest. https://pinterest.com/erinsdream/

 



*being grateful*

After a week & some odd days of not being able to find this dear library book - my desperate last-ditch attempt at searching the entire house AGAIN yielded great reward. I have been having a bit of a fast from reading because I really just wanted to continue with this one. I'm often slave to searching for lost items. It's a gift. I can lose anything. Only at the most inconvenient times of course. Murphy's Law. I'm thinking of adding my photo to that Wikipedia page.

I had a wicked cold this past weekend. It was probably more than just a cold (it's still lingering), but what's the point of knowing whether I am truly febrile or not? Especially during a long weekend. I can pretty conveniently keep my germs to myself. In a suffocating amount of snot & uncharacteristic lethargy, I somehow moved the couch at a significantly different angle than the first 50 times I looked under there & my book emerged. Lay in bed, read, nap. Lay on the couch, read, nap. Lay on the hammock, read, nap. (I use the term nap loosely. Recall my dear Calvin. He can let his dad sleep, but not the momma...I did fall asleep briefly enough for my dad to come inside to let me know Calvin was hanging out the window yelling at him. Relax. First floor window. All's good - no need to disturb me. I'm sick.)

My motivation to read A.J. Jacobs' "The Year of Living Biblically" came from Gretchen Rubin's "Happiness Project". I recorded an entire list of recommended readings & cites from her book. I really loved it & this is proof. I am so out of my league in religious knowledge. I love reading & gaining new knowledge. I especially love reading about other people's experiences in learning. NERD ALERT!

I implemented (semi-successfully) a schedule/routine after reading "Happiness Project". (Note dirty dishes downstairs & outfits unplanned as of yet) I am intrigued by A.J. Jacobs' enjoyment of giving thanks through daily prayer. I realized today how incredibly weird (& nerdy) my own thankful personality may be. I know as a consequence to loss & in hopes of coping with anxiety, I am constantly reminding myself of all the greatness that surrounds me.

Great friends, a wonderful home, great family, great kids, general health (stupid Rhinovirus!), job, book concealing couch...the list goes on & on. This can be counterproductive. The big anxiety-provoking thoughts that could probably be tended to & eliminated get pushed to the side by my extreme coping in positivity. Lack of inspectable vehicle, inability to pay certain bills, pile of clean laundry unfolded & never put in its place, Calvin's overdue well check, final kitten lingering in my bedroom awaiting to be sent to its new home, library books captured by my couch...the list goes on & on.

I'm grateful for so much so I definitely do not feel the need to add - think about being thankful - to my daily to-do list, but I am super curious as to how ANYONE can get through a day without acknowledging the good? I know I'm still picking up pieces of a shattered life, but is it so easy for others that there isn't a need for being grateful? Do I seem like a naive brat for always erring on the side of "it could be worse"?

If I had the discipline to embark on a year-long immersion writing project I wonder what it would be? Get my crap together in 12 months? Not looking good. I've been working on that for forever. I shall ponder. In the meantime/distract myself from doing some sort of getting my crap together, I'll sit here & think of how proud I am of myself for returning all of my library books on time & then spoil myself with some coffee & reading while snuggling a snoozing Crazy Calvin. It's a tough habit to break.