Guilt, guilt, GUILT!

The inspiration to write hits me so many times throughout the day. I have a good collection of writing from this school year, but SOMEONE feels too guilty to post. I find that I put so much pressure on myself - how can I be a great teacher if I am spending time on writing? How can I spend time writing when I am at home being a mom? What will people think if I post a blog during school hours? (Holy moly! I feel guilty even typing that. My heart just turned to rock.) PARALYZED!

I have to listen to my own advice & just go for it. I truly believe that there are doors that will only open if I write. I do love my job & I am content with my achievements so far, but there is ALWAYS more. Can you even IMAGINE the guilt if I don't do MORE? And the guilt over not providing a truthful role model for our students, friends & family. Oh dear. I expect them to do great things & here I am, writing in notebooks & private Google Docs in fear. Of what? I'm not quite sure. Failure? Punishment? Ridicule? All no big deal compared with my own self-scolding.

In an effort to not be so hard on myself, I am going to put the pressure on again. (What?! Where's the rubber room?) More blogging. Typing up & sharing the writing that's been going on throughout the school year. Sharing the good, the not-so-good & the down-right-absurd. I miss it.

The biggest news that I have been cowering behind is that I have been researching & writing about virtue. (Here comes the insecurity). I think that choice sounds really hypocritical coming across my screen. It seems like a religious or spiritual topic. Both schools by which I am grossly uneducated. Until I read something about happiness (one of my favorite topics) & virtue was described. I'm a big fan & maybe even seen by others as a specialist. Why? (Calvin told me the other day that asking "why?" is annoying - I'm a true pain in the ass!) That's what I am researching. How is it that I am asked about my views as an expert on certain things that I have NO IDEA why my ideas or experiences are so special. How did I get like this? Small question. No biggie. I am finding, btw, that virtue is NOT a necessarily a religious or spiritual concept. And now, to keep some confidence without a certain set of additional letters behind my name & to keep researching & writing. I fear I am going to be an even bigger nerd this summer than any other summer on record.