The inspiration to write hits me so many times throughout the day. I have a good collection of writing from this school year, but SOMEONE feels too guilty to post. I find that I put so much pressure on myself - how can I be a great teacher if I am spending time on writing? How can I spend time writing when I am at home being a mom? What will people think if I post a blog during school hours? (Holy moly! I feel guilty even typing that. My heart just turned to rock.) PARALYZED!
I have to listen to my own advice & just go for it. I truly believe that there are doors that will only open if I write. I do love my job & I am content with my achievements so far, but there is ALWAYS more. Can you even IMAGINE the guilt if I don't do MORE? And the guilt over not providing a truthful role model for our students, friends & family. Oh dear. I expect them to do great things & here I am, writing in notebooks & private Google Docs in fear. Of what? I'm not quite sure. Failure? Punishment? Ridicule? All no big deal compared with my own self-scolding.
In an effort to not be so hard on myself, I am going to put the pressure on again. (What?! Where's the rubber room?) More blogging. Typing up & sharing the writing that's been going on throughout the school year. Sharing the good, the not-so-good & the down-right-absurd. I miss it.
The biggest news that I have been cowering behind is that I have been researching & writing about virtue. (Here comes the insecurity). I think that choice sounds really hypocritical coming across my screen. It seems like a religious or spiritual topic. Both schools by which I am grossly uneducated. Until I read something about happiness (one of my favorite topics) & virtue was described. I'm a big fan & maybe even seen by others as a specialist. Why? (Calvin told me the other day that asking "why?" is annoying - I'm a true pain in the ass!) That's what I am researching. How is it that I am asked about my views as an expert on certain things that I have NO IDEA why my ideas or experiences are so special. How did I get like this? Small question. No biggie. I am finding, btw, that virtue is NOT a necessarily a religious or spiritual concept. And now, to keep some confidence without a certain set of additional letters behind my name & to keep researching & writing. I fear I am going to be an even bigger nerd this summer than any other summer on record.
A listing of musings & accomplishments to keep me on point - and maybe finish something that I start.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
At work today...
As a public school teacher, I don't often feel comfortable in sharing concrete examples of the experiences I have each day. I really want to share them, I just fear the ramifications.
Here is an opportunity -
I ran an I/E session today called "Creative Writing". I provided the writing prompt to the group & also took up the challenge. We were to write a 26 line short story with each sentence beginning with sequential letters of the alphabet. Here is what I wrote - we had about 30 minutes.
After a conversation with a friend today, I feel the need to reflect on the balance of work & home. Besides the obvious pressures of performing at work & then maintaining a home full of happiness, there is often an avoidance of discussing what should happen when one or both of these worlds is falling apart. Crazy as it may sound, we should be supporting each other in these crises, sharing our needs & feeling confident in the ways that could be offered for us to regain balance. Don't think that our co-workers are hostile, insensitive jerks, but when it comes to admitting that we need help, are struggling or may need to sacrifice a responsibility at work or home in order to maintain sanity, it seems that we are afraid of being judged, fired or just plain ignored.
Everyone should understand that shit happens. For some reason, some co-workers (ok bosses) practice an ignorance that we, as teachers, are human & we need social interaction, support & *gasp* maybe to be cut a break once in awhile. Fractured the concept is that we will be best served with MORE responsibilities, deadlines & high-stakes tests. Good grief. Hell hath no fury like a teacher/mother/coach/cheerleader/counselor/friend/woman who feels as if they're underachieving & underappreciated. It's unfortunate that this is how we all feel. Just let it all out, already. Kiss that perfectionist good-bye. Life is about the crappy stuff too.
Much to my dismay, two of my favorite people in the world could use a little time off. Now, this time would be best served with me accompanying them to a sunny resort, on a beach, with lots of alcohol. Only we can’t even have a moment to ourselves in our job. Part of me longs for an office door to close. Quiet doesn’t exist around here. Right now, I’m writing this while surrounded by 24 young minds...asking to go to the bathroom, calling me out on my caffeine addiction & interrupting every sentence I write. Sanity is not a luxury we are provided around here.
Truly, we aren’t provided much. Unfortunately we’re put down, given more responsibilities each moment, blamed for everything & expected to do it all...perfectly. Vastly overqualified for everything, but not allowed to excel in any one thing. Wait until the day that we finally figure out how to support each other. Xanadu can be attained in our profession. You have to be honest & work to achieve balance. Zany as I may be, this must begin with us being willing to admit that we ALL could use some help & change.
Here is an opportunity -
I ran an I/E session today called "Creative Writing". I provided the writing prompt to the group & also took up the challenge. We were to write a 26 line short story with each sentence beginning with sequential letters of the alphabet. Here is what I wrote - we had about 30 minutes.
After a conversation with a friend today, I feel the need to reflect on the balance of work & home. Besides the obvious pressures of performing at work & then maintaining a home full of happiness, there is often an avoidance of discussing what should happen when one or both of these worlds is falling apart. Crazy as it may sound, we should be supporting each other in these crises, sharing our needs & feeling confident in the ways that could be offered for us to regain balance. Don't think that our co-workers are hostile, insensitive jerks, but when it comes to admitting that we need help, are struggling or may need to sacrifice a responsibility at work or home in order to maintain sanity, it seems that we are afraid of being judged, fired or just plain ignored.
Everyone should understand that shit happens. For some reason, some co-workers (ok bosses) practice an ignorance that we, as teachers, are human & we need social interaction, support & *gasp* maybe to be cut a break once in awhile. Fractured the concept is that we will be best served with MORE responsibilities, deadlines & high-stakes tests. Good grief. Hell hath no fury like a teacher/mother/coach/cheerleader/counselor/friend/woman who feels as if they're underachieving & underappreciated. It's unfortunate that this is how we all feel. Just let it all out, already. Kiss that perfectionist good-bye. Life is about the crappy stuff too.
Much to my dismay, two of my favorite people in the world could use a little time off. Now, this time would be best served with me accompanying them to a sunny resort, on a beach, with lots of alcohol. Only we can’t even have a moment to ourselves in our job. Part of me longs for an office door to close. Quiet doesn’t exist around here. Right now, I’m writing this while surrounded by 24 young minds...asking to go to the bathroom, calling me out on my caffeine addiction & interrupting every sentence I write. Sanity is not a luxury we are provided around here.
Truly, we aren’t provided much. Unfortunately we’re put down, given more responsibilities each moment, blamed for everything & expected to do it all...perfectly. Vastly overqualified for everything, but not allowed to excel in any one thing. Wait until the day that we finally figure out how to support each other. Xanadu can be attained in our profession. You have to be honest & work to achieve balance. Zany as I may be, this must begin with us being willing to admit that we ALL could use some help & change.
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